Lessons learned from sabbatical

So, regular readers of this space know that last year, at least before Baby Jane arrived, I was on sabbatical. It was always my intention to do a reflective post on "what I learned on my sabbatical" upon returning to work. But life with an infant does not allow for much reflection, so the post was never written.

I actually think that's a good thing, because now that I've been back at work for a few months, I think I have a better perspective on what my sabbatical taught me.

First, and most unexpectedly, my sabbatical brought me a new perspective on my relationship with my colleagues and my place in the department. I find that my interactions with and responses to my colleagues are more measured. I am more direct, in my opinions and requests. I speak up, but I choose my words more carefully. I am not afraid to stand up for something, but I also choose my battles better, and am more diplomatic than I used to be. Do things still bug me? Absolutely. Am I always listened to? No way. But I sense that my words and ideas now carry more weight, and that I'm getting people to listen to me and take my ideas more seriously. And that's making a huge difference, especially in how I feel day-to-day in my job.

Second, my sabbatical helped me gain a new perspective on my teaching. Actually I think it pushed along the natural evolution of my teaching, but the point is that ironically, stepping out of the classroom for a year was probably the best thing I could have done to improve my teaching. I've pared my classes down to the essentials. I teach less "stuff" than ever before, yet my students are learning tons more, asking better questions, making better insights about the material. My assignments are much better integrated into the fabric of the course---and in fact, inform the way I've structured each course. I tend to be such a detail person, which has hurt my teaching in the past, but the time away to reflect helped me develop strategies to combat this tendency. I feel comfortable in the classroom again, and confident in my ability to reach my students. I don't feel 100% sure that this will be enough to earn me tenure, but I also don't feel anymore like there's no way I'll get tenure.

Finally, as odd as this may sound given the tenor of recent posts here, sabbatical reaffirmed the importance of having some semblance of balance (ha!) in my life. OK, maybe "balance" is a little optimistic these days. But how important it is to do little things, like make time to work out every day, or take time off on the weekends, or for pete's sake enjoy my daughter and husband and do fun things as a family and get out of the house every once in a while. It's hard to justify taking the time to do these things, especially when the laundry is piling up and the kitchen floor hasn't been cleaned since Christmas and there's always more work that needs to be done, but not blowing this stuff off every once in a while is only going to make a person sick, or perpetually pissed off, and less able to Get Stuff Done. Having a chance to take an extended breather, and learning that I could be more productive when I did so, reminded me of that fact.

So there you have it. Sabbatical was of course valuable from a research perspective (although I didn't get as much done as I wanted---does anyone??), but for me, it was more valuable for the non-research related reasons. And that in itself was a particular kind of renewal for me.


scientiae-carnival

When the professional and personal collide, part 2

I missed a deadline.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that one of the two journal articles I currently have in progress was just about ready to be sent out. I found a suitable home for it. A colleague told me that the journal has a policy of assigning reviewers quickly to articles if they are submitted by a certain date. Aha! Instant deadline! The date was definitely do-able: I'd have to do some revisions to make the page count and formatting, along with the last-minute revisions (and, oh yeah, writing the intro section), but I could definitely, and comfortably, make it.

Then life intervened.

Over the past two weeks, all of us have been sick at one time or another. We've had to juggle day care several times. I was single-parenting for a few days. There was a crisis that needed to be dealt with that took up a bunch of time and mental energy last week.

I held out faint hope for this weekend....until Mr. Jane got can't-get-off-the-couch sick, and Baby Jane decided to go on a napping strike.

Now, in the long term this is not a huge deal. The journal is not going away; I can submit it anyway, and just deal with a longer review process. Fine.

But these past few weeks, I've been completely frustrated, exasperated even, with the lack of control I've had over my life. Yes, I realize that this is par for the course when you have an infant. Yes, I realized what I was getting into....sort of. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I feel like my life has to be in perfect balance for me to make progress on...anything. And anything any part of my life falls out of balance, at best I can tread water and not lose ground; at worst, I fall further and further behind. Right now, I am so far behind with what I absolutely need to have done, much less the "nonessential" stuff like research. At times like this, I feel like I'll never get everything into balance, never really be able to feel like I'm moving forward, never feel like I can relax and feel good about where I am, currently, and where I'm going.

I wonder if this feeling ever goes away, or even lessens...or if this is something I will just have to learn to deal with for the next 18 or so years.

Sundays aren't supposed to be bad days

Why today was a bad day:

* My precious Sunday morning work time was eaten up by stupid computer problems.

* Which meant I had to scramble and find little pockets of time the rest of the day in which to do work.

* Which also meant that I did not finish everything that I intended and needed to do.

* And to add insult to injury, the code I was working on for tomorrow's class wasn't working, and it took me way too long to figure out why. Sometimes I really hate computers.

* The little free time I had was spent folding laundry.

* I was totally exhausted, but had no time for a nap.

* Mr. Jane and I sniped at each other all day long.

* Baby Jane peed all over herself twice during one diaper change.

* A disgruntled student decided to take out his frustration on me.

* I'm still awake.

What saved it from being a horrible day:

* This morning's impromptu living room "dance party".

* Baby Jane trying (more like practicing, all day long) to stand on her own.

* Dinner, cooked by Mr. Jane: one of my all-time favorite comfort food dishes. Mmmmmmmm.

* Yoga.

Life on the treadmill

I often hear parents talking about how they feel like they are always on a treadmill. I never knew what they meant. Until now. I have to say that the analogy is not quite correct: to me, it feels more like I'm on a treadmill while simultaneously trying to juggle two balls and a dagger.

I'm tired!

Here is a glance into a typical day in the Jane household:

6:30am: I get up, get dressed and ready, and check to make sure that there are no messages from daycare. If I'm lucky, I may get to grab a glass of juice.

7:00am: Wake up Baby Jane. Nurse and dress her.

7:30am: Wake up Mr. Jane. (Yeah, yeah, I know, but he wouldn't get up otherwise.)

7:45am: I finish getting ready and grab breakfast while Mr. Jane feeds Baby Jane her breakfast.

8:15-8:25am: Clean up Baby Jane, buckle her into her car seat, and off to daycare.

8:45am: Daycare dropoff.

8:45am-5:45pm (on a good day): Drive to campus, teach, pump, sterilize pump parts, meet with students, squeeze in some research work, prep classes, pump, squeeze in lunch hopefully, deal with normal workday stuff, drive home. Try to squeeze in as much productive work as possible.

5:45pm: One of us feeds Baby Jane while the other preps dinner. Then one of us eats dinner while the other one entertains Baby Jane, who is most likely crawling to somewhere she shouldn't be or trying to grab food off of our plates.

6:30pm: Playtime, pack daycare bag, bath.

7:20pm: Get Baby Jane into pajamas, nurse, story, bedtime.

8:00pm: Workout, shower (hopefully)

9:15pm: Back to the computer for more research/class prep/doing whatever didn't get done during the day. And blogging (hopefully).

11:00pm: Pump

midnight: Bedtime, hopefully.

6:30am: Get up and do it all over again.

On a good day, it all works out ok, aside from the relative lack of downtime. On a bad day like today, when Mr. Jane was sick and I had all of the before and after daycare, after staying up way too late to watch tennis? Yeah, it pretty much sucks.

Oh, and I have no idea at all how I'd do this if I didn't have a spouse that was putting in equal time in terms of childcare on a daily basis. (yay for Mr. Jane!)

A new year, a new attitude?

It is Sunday night, and I am working. Yet, I am not panicked or moody or in a bad mood about the fact that I am working. I am actually having fun, and getting excited about the coming week and the work I will get done this week.

Why?

I think a large part of this has to do with the fact that I did not spend all day working. Or, I should say, thinking that I should be working and then beating myself up for watching football instead of working, and in general not enjoying the time I spent watching football or lazing around the house or doing whatever instead of working.

I used to operate this way.

Now that I am a parent, however, it is not possible for me to spend all day Sunday working. And so I've stopped expecting that I will spend all day Sunday working. I know that I have a finite amount of time to work on Sunday---an hour or two in the morning (a habit I started when I was home full-time with Baby Jane), plus a few hours in the evening after Baby Jane goes to bed. Rather than being panicked about the "lack" of time to work, I find this very freeing. It frees me up to actually feel fine about *not* working all day, to not feel guilty about playing with Baby Jane or just staring at the TV for a bit, and to enjoy my Sunday afternoon, for once.

The crazy thing is, I think I'm actually getting more work done this way, too.

Having a kid is apparently better for my work ethic than reading self-help books ever was. Who knew?

Pluses and minuses

+: Everyone's finally healthy and we are back on a normal day care schedule.
-: No more excuse to leave work early.

+: Lots of potentially good stuff looms on the horizon. I have a lot of big-picture, long-term stuff I need to think about and plan for over the next few weeks. Most of this involves projects that I am very excited about.
-: Unfortunately, there's also a ton of short-term stuff that needs to get done, too. Finding the balance between long-term planning and short-term survival is tricky.

+: Baby Jane is mobile!
-: Baby Jane is mobile, and fast, and damn inquisitive.

+: Work is mostly good. I'm excited to be back and mostly managing my days, and feeling good about things....mostly.
-: When bad things do happen, they often send me into a tailspin of despair and "I'm never going to get tenure here!" Clearly this is not healthy.

+: I am working out every day again, and it feels great. Exercise has always been fun and relaxing for me, and I'm trying new things out to mix it up a bit.
-: Trying new things = working new muscles = OUCH!

+: Being back on campus after being gone for a year is making me feel like a rock star.
-: No one wants to hear about my research.

What's on your to-don't list?

Things have been super-crazy here in the Jane household. I knew going into 2008 that I'd have to hit the ground sprinting right after the first of the year. Throw in sickness (Baby Jane and Mr. Jane) and day care closures (we have not had a "normal" schedule day since the year began) and you've got yourself some interesting and stressful times.

Rather than boring you all with how stressed we all are around here, though, I wanted to talk about an interesting idea I saw. Sometimes Baby Jane will allow me to read while nursing, so I've been slowly making my way through the January issue of Real Simple magazine. There's a little card in the back that's titled something like "Your Not To Do List for 2008". The idea being, of course, that just as we spend time thinking of all the things we should be doing, we should spend some time thinking about the stuff we do that's harmful to us, or not fun, or not productive, and resolve *not* to do that this year.

So here are a few things I will try NOT to do this year:
* Feel guilty, about anything (how I'm spending my time, how I'm raising my child, not cleaning the bathroom, etc.)
* Compare myself to others (especially when it comes to things like publications, grants, enrollment numbers, etc.)
* Martyr myself. If I need help, I will ask for it. Period. Asking for help does not make me a bad person.
* Feel frantic about my teaching. One less than stellar class every once in a while does not make me a bad teacher, and is not the end of the world, and does not mean that I will never get tenure.

So, what's on your to-don't list this year?

Theme for 2008, and looking back at 2007's theme

Last year, rather than doing resolutions, I followed the lead of others (see profgrrrl) and set a theme for the year. Last year's theme was Take Back Control of My Life.

So, how'd I do? Well, looking back on the year and judging from my blog posts, I'd give myself a B.

Being on sabbatical certainly helped matters. I was completely burned out at this time last year, contemplating whether I wanted to stay in my job or not. (Hm, some things never change, do they?) The year away from teaching and toxic colleagues and the daily grind of the tenure track was refreshing. I still sometimes let toxic colleagues and situations get to me, but having some distance really helped matters and gave me some much-needed perspective. Not working insane amounts of time per week also was very nice.

Having the kid certainly turned things upside down, but I think for the most part we're all doing a good job of keeping things from dissolving into chaos. We have a routine that works, for now. At least until things really heat up right after the new year. I don't always take the time I need for myself, although I'm working on rectifying that.

So I guess I feel sort of in control of my life, as much as I can at this stage. Which is a good thing.

Now, on to this year's theme. When I look back on what really disappointed me about 2007, the thing that jumps out at me is that I often stand in my own way. For instance, I have 2 (2!) journal articles that should have been sent out for review by now. Yet I am still sitting on them. I had an epiphany the other day about what specifically is holding me back on both articles, and on sending things out to journals in general. (Maybe I'll blog more about that later.) There were also some projects that I really should have done while on leave, but didn't, because I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the "what ifs" and the thoughts of failure. Again, standing in my own way. And preparing to reenter the classroom has been a bit of a nightmare, because I keep thinking about all of the negative comments from my third-year review, which is making me a bit afraid to do or try anything in my classes.

In light of this introspection, the theme really named itself for the year.

My theme for 2008, then, is FEARLESS. I am going to go right up against my worst fears this year. Stare them down, laugh in their faces. Basically, I'm not going to be afraid to fail and, more importantly, not be afraid to try in the first place. In fact, if my first thought about something is "I can't do this", well then, there's my answer: I'm going to do it.

OK, maybe not skydiving. But stuff related to my career and my personal life and relationships, sure.

I hope you all have a wonderful new year, full of fearlessness!

scientiae-carnival

End of the year meme

I've been tagged by ecogeofemme! And just in time, since I was looking for a way to procrastinate...

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
To be honest, it all depends on how things go this coming semester/term. I think I will have a clearer picture by the end of the school year as to whether or not I have a good shot of getting tenure at my current institution (and/or whether I want to stick around long enough for that). So the next few months will be interesting, to say the least.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I'd like to meet some new moms near me. I feel like I'm the only mom on the planet who's not a part of a moms' group.

3. New house?
Thankfully, no.

4. What will you do differently in 08?
Try not to sweat the small stuff.

5. New Years resolution?
I like the idea of the New Years Theme (a la profgrrrrl---can't seem to find the exact post, unfortunately) rather than resolutions. I am still deciding on a theme, but I'm pretty sure my theme this year is going to be Fearless. More on that later.

6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Sleeping, apparently, given how hectic my life is becoming lately with going back to work full-time.

7. Any trips planned?
Yes. I'll be taking my first trip without Baby Jane (yikes!), coming up soon. We're also tentatively planning a camping trip for the summer with Baby Jane, an anniversary trip to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, and a few trips to visit various friends and relatives.

8. Wedding plans?
Not for me. :)


9. Major thing on your calendar?
Well, there's the start of the semester/term, which puts me back in the classroom after a year away. And our anniversary. And the official start of my tenure review in the fall (eek!).

10. What can’t you wait for?
I can't wait to see how Baby Jane grows and changes this year. It seems like every day brings something new with her, and it's really a treat to be a part of that.


11. What would you like to see happen differently?
My tenure review (in comparison to my third year review).

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I'd like to be more true to myself, less worried about what other people think of me, and less concerned about fitting into some arbitrary mold. I'd like to be a bit more uninhibited in the classroom, and trust my instincts more when it comes to both teaching and research. I want to stop standing in my own way when it comes to pursuing my goals, like applying for funding or submitting journal articles or finding new ways to mentor our women students. Should be easy, right? ;)

13. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I had a baby.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. When I'm stressed out, I can be a real pain in the a$$. I'd like to stop being that way.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Yes. For one thing, I won't be wearing maternity clothes. Since I'm now more or less back to my old size, but with a changed body, I'm reevaluating my look and recommitting myself to only wear things that make me look and feel fabulous. Which reminds me, I think I need to go shopping for some new work-appropriate clothes (that I can also pump in)....

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will continue to enjoy the occasional adult beverage, as long as it's not too near nursing time.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
See #14.

18. Will you do charity work?
Yes. I have a cool project that I'll potentially be working on, that I'm so very excited about.

19. Will you go to bars?
Maybe. Mr. Jane and I are trying to institute a regular Date Night, so perhaps bars will play some role in that.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I usually am, unless they give me a reason not to be.

21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
Yes! I am optimistic and excited about the upcoming year.

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Oh man, 1000%. It sounds trite, but it's true: having a kid really does change everything.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
I hope to have another one, yes, but not next year.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Juggling the whole working mother thing is, and will continue to be, a work in progress.

26. Will you be moving?
Hopefully not!

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?
I'm stealing this one from ecogeofemme: failure to submit any of the journal articles I'm working on. Bad, bad Jane!

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Mr. Jane and I were kind of lazy about finding a babysitter, so we'll be hanging out with friends early in the day, then hanging out at home at night. And I'll probably work in the morning, too, since I'm going to have to hit the ground running right after the holidays.


29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Mr. Jane, assuming I can stay up that late!


30. One wish for 08?
A woman in the White House!

And now my least favorite part: tagging people. I'll tag Chaser, Katie (it's ok if you don't get to it right away!), Addy N (once you return from your holiday traveling), Rebecca, and Skookumchick. And anyone else who wants to!

Year-in-review meme

As seen over at Adventures in Ethics and Science.

The rule: post the first sentence of the first post for each month. (Note: I'm cheating a little bit, here, because halfway through doing this post, I realized that the majority of my first-of-the-month posts were those announcing that the new Scientiae carnival had been posted. So instead, when that's the case, I'm including the first sentence of the first non-Scientiae post.)

January: I don't remember where I first saw this, but I last saw it at Dr. Crazy's. [New Year's meme]

February: Greetings from Top Secret Location!

March: As a way of getting past the journal article block I mentioned a few posts ago, I'm revisiting some of the papers that I've cited in most of my own papers, sort of as a way of reminding myself what differentiates my current work from others' work in the same space.

April: It's Monday.

May: In my last post in this series, I set out a series of three questions that I've identified as central to deciding whether I should stick things out until tenure or go look for greener pastures.

June: Back in the day, when parenthood was still an abstract concept, I looked forward to the arrival of Hypothetical Future Child as a time where I could take a nice little hiatus from my professional life.

July: So the first big post-baby conference trip/trip with Baby Jane went very well.

August: Subtitle: If you've seen my brain, could you please return it to me?

September: I spent a blissful long weekend sans computer access, hanging with family and friends. [This was actually the third sentence; the first two had to do with the latest Scientiae carnival.]

October: I am at an exciting phase in my work right now. [See note for September.]

November: Sometimes I really need someone to give me a good swift kick in the seat of my pants. [This post was about the importance of mentoring.]

December: OK, so, today was the big day: my first day back at work, and Baby Jane's first day at daycare. [See note for September.]

Strangely, I think this sampling of posts is actually quite representative of what's been on my mind this year. Since I was out of the classroom for the entire year (first on sabbatical, then on maternity leave), I was much more focused on research, and much more introspective about my research work. (The latter is a luxury I often can't afford while I'm teaching!) And of course, having Baby Jane made me much more keenly aware of work-life balance issues, and I think I probably blogged about those more than any other topic in the second half of the year.

It was definitely a full and exciting year, that's for sure.

Random Bullets of Monday

* I had the craziest morning today. It's amazing how one little thing going slightly awry can throw off your entire morning. Luckily, things greatly improved around lunchtime. Otherwise, I might have just gone home and gone back to bed.

* Even so, it was a very, very long day.

* Class prep. It's only been a year since I last did this, but man, has it been hard to get back into the mindset of class prep! Even simple things like "how long does it take to cover Topic X" and "how much can I realistically expect intro students to be able to do on an assignment in Week 3" are baffling me right now. (I'll post more on this later this week.)

* Research has been going much easier. Perhaps because most of the "work" I was doing while on leave was research, so I didn't have to adjust my mindset as much.

* One of the other things I'm having problems adjusting to: re-learning how to make small talk with my colleagues. It's been so long since I hung around adults all day....

* Recommendation letters are the bane of my existence right now.

* Since entering day care a mere week ago, Baby Jane has not only decided to drop a daytime feeding, but has also gotten herself on a completely predictable napping schedule. And her "vocabulary", such as it is, has increased exponentially. Unbelievable.

* Oh, and the best part of the day? Learning that classes start a few days later than I originally thought. Woo hoo!

3 days back and I'm wishing for a vacation

This cannot be a good sign. After 3 days back at work, I'm completely stressed out and exhausted. And I'm not even teaching! If it's this hard now, what is life going to be like when classes resume??

OK, let me back up. I know I'm being melodramatic/way too hard on myself, here. I know that we'll all get used to the schedule and figure out what works and what doesn't by the time classes start again, and it will be (mostly) fine. And for pete's sake, I've been "off" work for over half a year, so of course adjusting from "work in half-hour snatches of time once or twice a day" to "work full time" is going to be difficult.

But it's been a hard week.

Baby Jane *loves* daycare (yay!), but is having some eating issues. For some reason, she is getting major, painful gas after her first bottle, which makes her not too crazy about eating at all after that. We're sort of baffled by this; the obvious place to look is the bottles, but we've been using these same bottles with no problems since the beginning. So now we get to do some trial and error to try and alleviate the gas problem so that she'll eat normally again. Yippie. (But at least this means I'm not falling behind on the pumping....)

Work-wise, even though the theme this week has been "easing back into things", things have been stressful. I'm held up on one project because I need our IT folks to do something relatively straightforward, but there's apparently only one person who can do this (???) and s/he is backed up. So I'm working on other things, which are not going so well and stressing me out further, and everything is taking me about six times longer than it needs to. And yesterday I really, really missed Baby Jane and almost started crying in my office, thinking I was the Worst Mother Ever for wanting to work and leave her in day care. (Of course I don't feel this way normally; it's just the stress of everything coming to a head.)

And to top it all off, Mr. Jane has had The Week From Hell, and so I've been doing most of the baby care. Today was the worst, because I had both pre- and post-work baby duty, by myself. My god, I don't know what I would do if I had to do this all the time----I am so glad to have an enlightened spouse who, at least during non-hell weeks, believes in sharing kid and household duties equally.

So I'm exhausted and cranky and Mr. Jane and I are picking fights with each other because he's exhausted and cranky from his hell week. What a fun household.

Deep breaths. I know that things will get better. Mr. Jane's hell week is over, so he'll be picking up some of the slack now. I'm going to take part of tomorrow off to preserve my mental health, maybe even go for a walk in the middle of the day. And every day, something about the new routine gets a bit easier, and I know this will continue to be the case. We just have to hang in there and keep plugging away.

We survived the first day

But first, a note that the new Scientiae carnival is up at Kate's! Do go check it out.

OK, so, today was the big day: my first day back at work, and Baby Jane's first day at daycare. And I have to say that it went pretty well, overall. I got pretty upset/weepy on Sunday afternoon, while I was getting Baby Jane's daycare stuff ready. But at the dreaded drop-off this morning, both she and I were remarkably composed. There were no tears from either of us when I left---she was playing happily on the floor, and I was happy that she was happy. I definitely think it would have been much harder to leave her if she had been clingy or upset, but seeing her embrace her new surroundings really put me at ease.

The day was not without drama: Baby Jane went on a bit of a hunger strike, refusing to take a bottle. Which is weird, because she'll usually take a bottle from anyone. We're guessing that it was probably due to all of the changes and stress of the day. Luckily, she ended her strike by mid-afternoon and seems to be ok. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Being back at work, though, was a challenge. I started off pretty well---deliberately planning a busy day, with stuff that was more busywork than really involved thinking-work, was definitely a good plan. But by about 2pm, my brain was dead and my head was pounding and I could have really used either a nap or a glass of wine. Or both.

Pumping was also a bit of a challenge---my output was down a bit, but considering the stress of the day, it wasn't that bad. (And the new pump is helping tremendously; it's nice to not have to stress about that anymore!) I really do hope that by the time classes start, Baby Jane will be down a feeding or two, so that I don't have to pump so much during the day. The pumping itself is not bad, but the setup and cleanup is a bit of a hassle.

I think that the person who had the hardest time adjusting was Mr. Jane. As he put it, "I've lost *two* people today!" I guess he's right; I've spent all of this year either home with the baby or working primarily at home. And I have to say, it was weird not having Mr. Jane around today, too.

So we all survived and now we just have to do this all over again...tomorrow.

Things I'd rather be doing than working right now

1. Lounging in the comfy chair and flipping between the World Series and college football.

2. Making baby food out of some of the farmer's market bounty from this week.

3. Eating the rest of the fabulous dessert I made today (basically, molten chocolate cake, made in the crock pot. Yum!! and a nice surprise too, since the recipe was labeled "chocolate pudding".)

4. Wondering if "crock pot" vs. "slow cooker" is a regional thing, or if one term is more correct than the other.

5. Wondering why a molten chocolate cake recipe would be labeled as "chocolate pudding".

6. Taking a bath and sipping a glass of wine.

7. Reading something completely mindless.

8. Giving myself a pedicure and/or manicure.

9. Snuggling with Mr. Jane. Or Baby Jane. Or both.

10. Sleeping!

What about you---what would you rather be doing than working right now?

Little luxuries

The biggest luxury for me these days is "me time". (Well, and sleep, of course, although we're pretty lucky because Baby Jane is a fairly good sleeper. Somehow, we're all still managing to be sleep-deprived here, though.) I only get time to myself in bits and pieces, usually when the baby's napping or after she goes to bed. I've become pretty good at using those little snatches of time well, but it's still hard to manage. Particularly since just a few short months ago, I was completely in charge of how I spent my time.

Today I was able to spend larger chunks of "me time". Mr. Jane took over almost all of the baby care today (except for the feedings), so I had most of the day to myself. It was exactly what I needed. Holed up in my home office with a big pot of decaf, the lavender candle burning, and music going, I was able to make significant progress on a particularly tricky part of the newer journal article. It felt almost decadent, to be able to think deeply for such long stretches of time! And I even got out to see some friends, too, later in the day.

It's amazing how little things like that can be so restorative. And how my definition of "luxury" has changed so drastically since I became a mom.

Random scattered thoughts

• The latest installment of the Scientiae Carnival is up at Wayfarer Scientista's! Great stuff as always. Yami's hosting the next one on or about November 1; here's the call. (And I love the theme for the next one, too---very creative!)


• I am at an exciting phase in my work right now. See, I had this idea for a journal article that I could construct out of my two most recent conference papers, but I needed to do some additional analyses. Well, I just finished the analyses, so now I can proceed ahead with the paper. Given that on most days I have maybe a half hour to devote to research, this will be a challenge....but I just keep telling myself that a half hour a day is better than nothing, and that eventually I'll finish the article.


• I'm starting to panic about the classes I'm teaching when I return. I think this is fallout from the pre-tenure review from hell: all those inadequacies I've felt as a teacher since then, that I largely felt free to ignore while on sabbatical, are back in full force. I really have no reason to panic, since I'm not even being observed until next year and Baby Jane will be going into full-time daycare about a month and a half before classes start. Rationally, I know this, but it's not helping.


• Where did the week go? I've been so overwhelmed by life this week---even the most mundane household tasks have seemed monumentally difficult. There are a ton of little things that need to be done, and I think I'm just letting the sheer volume of them get to me (even though each one would take in the range of 30 seconds to 5 minutes)....It's made me wonder how the heck I'm going to be able to handle working full time.

Body image

Before I had my daughter, I sort of took my body for granted. I was comfortable with my body: how it looked, how I dressed it, how it operated. I felt like I knew it well: its quirks, its abilities and its limits. I don't own a scale, but could usually estimate my weight by how loose or tight my clothes were fitting.

Having a baby changed all that.

Pregnancy was utterly fascinating to me. All those changes, the new sensations, the way my body morphed....it was like one big science experiment! I didn't really think at the time what my body would look like or feel like or be like once the baby came out. I just took for granted that it would go back to the way it once was....eventually.

Emotionally, I'm in a totally different place about my body. Seeing what my body was capable of, during the whole labor process, completely awed me. As I told a good friend afterwards, "I can never hate my body again after going through that." And I still feel that way.

Physically, though, it's clear that my body has changed, and will never quite go back to what it once was. I don't have stretch marks, but my hips are definitely wider. My stomach will probably always have a bit more "give" to it (hey, it sounds better than calling it "flab"). And my upper body is completely differently proportioned. (This is probably largely due to breastfeeding---but I'm not completely convinced that things will go back to the way they were once I'm done breastfeeding.)

Learning how to dress my new body has been challenging. This weekend, I went through my closet to see if I could find anything else from my former self that fit yet. I purged a lot of stuff that, it was clear, would never look flattering on me again. (Goodbye, super-skinny jeans.) I also purged a lot of stuff that, to be honest, was never flattering on me, but that I hung onto and wore anyway. It was much harder to find tops that fit and flattered my new body than it was to find pants and skirts. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my wardrobe. (On the bright side, I now have to go shopping! I just wish I had the time and energy to do so.)

The purging of my closet, and the acceptance of my current body image, is a great metaphor for all the other stuff going on in my life now. Accepting my current body image is forcing me to live in the moment and live with who I am here and now---not on who I might or might not be in 6 months or a year---and work with who I am right now. Building a new wardrobe that works with the current me, and focusing on just getting the staples for this wardrobe, reminds me that I should concentrate on the truly important stuff and let go of the superfluous and trivial stuff. (Quality, not quantity.) Purging the unflattering stuff...well, I'm trying to do that in my life as well, figuring out where I'm wasting my emotional energy, revisiting how I react to certain things and people in my life (especially in my job), etc. (And, I guess, trying to determine if my current job is a good "fit", as-is or with some alterations.)

Small victories

Guess what I did today?

I went RUNNING! For the first time in months!

Yes, it was only for 10 minutes, sandwiched in with a walk, but still---what a glorious, glorious feeling.

It's amazing what a little run will do for the psyche.

Stuck

That's the best way to describe how I feel lately. Stuck. Or paralyzed---maybe that's more accurate.

This is actually a tough post for me to write, because I've been struggling with how I'm feeling for a while now. It's even gotten to the point over the past few days where I've wondered if this is what mild depression feels like. Of course it's so hard to tell, and I have a million other excuses for why I'm feeling this way---sleep deprivation, for instance. I guess that's why I feel compelled to blog about it---because I've been turning it over and over in my mind and I haven't come to any good conclusions as to why I feel the way I do.

The best way to describe it is that I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Like there's too much to do and take care of, but I feel like if I try to do any of it I'll just screw it up, so why bother. Now normally when I'm feeling this way, I just do something, anything, on my to-do list. Doing something successfully, no matter how small, is usually enough to get me unstuck and back on track. But this time around, I just can't bring myself to do anything, and so I remain stuck.

This is true of the big things, like research, but even stupid little things, like cleaning the bathroom or sorting the mail. I'm still functioning, but inside I feel panicked almost all of the time.

I think this has been going on for a while, although it took the whole GHC decision to make me realize and acknowledge it. And I wonder if there was a trigger, or if it's just a manifestation of all of those little worries amplified by sleep deprivation (and hormones). There's the journal article that refuses to be finished---I did a read-through a few weeks ago and realized that it was all over the map and would need some major reworking before it could be sent off. There's the feeling of dread, like I'm going back into a snake pit, I have about returning to work. (I know I don't want to stay home full-time, but in my darker moments I have severely mixed feelings about returning to my institution.) There's the boredom I feel about once a day about being home with Baby Jane full time. And a thousand other stupid things. So who knows.

I think my plan right now is to wait this out a bit longer. Try to take better care of myself for a bit. Try to get more sleep (!) if at all possible. See if some self-love gets me out of this funk. I sure hope it does.

Early lessons in prioritizing

So the short story is that I'm not going to the Grace Hopper conference this year.

The long story is not all that interesting, but I'll tell it anyway.

As usual, the task of organizing/rallying the undergrads fell to me, so I spent the latter part of last month "recruiting", in a sense. And worrying about the initial lack of response from the students. And stressing about finding funding so that I could go.

A few days ago, I was searching online for flights, hotel, registration information, etc., and mentally composing the email that I'd have to send to the dean in charge of discretionary funds. And...I had to stop. I just couldn't do it, didn't want to do it, was just getting all sorts of stressed out about it.

It was about that time that I realized that maybe I'd be happier skipping out on GHC this year.

I was very conflicted about this. I love going to GHC, love the environment, love being in a place where I don't feel so darned weird about being a woman in computing. I love taking undergrads, many of whom have never been to a conference before, and seeing them experience a whole other side of CS. I love the energy, love the ideas I hear about and bring back with me, and love meeting other women in CS, particularly other junior women faculty.

But I just couldn't stomach the thought of going to yet another conference at this point. I knew I'd have to do some serious juggling, just like I did in the last two conferences, between baby care/breastfeeding/pumping and conferencing/networking. And this time, I'd have to add in the whole traveling-with-students thing, too. All three of those things, individually, takes a lot of energy, and I just don't feel like I have the energy to do any of that right now, much less all of that. I'm exhausted already; the trip might just kill me.

So I've decided to skip out this year. On the one hand, I'm disappointed. On the other hand, I'm relieved. I figure there will be plenty of time for the whole work/baby care balance circus to play itself out once I go back to work; the longer I can defer that, and enjoy my time at home with Baby Jane, the better.