Communication

A post in three unrelated (?) acts.

***
ACT 1
Baby Jane is trying her best to communicate with us. She is very vocal, which means that she spends a lot of time either babbling to herself (or her toys) or to us. When she babbles to us, she is very intent: she makes eye contact, she modulates her voice, she changes her inflection and her syllables. Clearly she has something very important to tell us! If only we could figure out what it was.

We have been signing to her for months now, and finally, she is signing back. Sometimes her signs are crystal clear, like the day she signed "Daddy" when Mr. Jane came home from running errands. But often they are a bit ambiguous. "Milk", for instance, is her general sign for "I'm tired and it's time for bed" (we breastfeed her as part of the bedtime ritual). Still, it's an exciting time: we know that she understands us, and finally, finally, we are starting to understand her.

***
ACT 2
Since returning from sabbatical, I've found that I am more direct with my colleagues. Maybe it's because the time away from my colleagues brought me a greater understanding of the ways in which we communicate poorly with each other. Or maybe it's because I have no time and am thus forced to be direct to save what little time I have. Whatever the reason, being direct is proving wildly successful. For instance: there's this particular thing that I've wanted to do for ages, but my chair always offers/delegates it to someone else. In the past, I've talked to my chair about getting a chance to do it, but for whatever reason, nothing ever changed. Which just led me to stew and be unhappy and complain. This time around, I decided to just tell my chair outright that I want to do this thing. No beating around the bush, no trying to find the "right" words, none of that. No, I just went to my chair and said "You know, I should do X this year." And he said "OK, that sounds like a great idea! You're on!"

How much time and energy have I wasted worrying about not being a pest or a bother, and thus not asking for what I want?

***
ACT 3
Dear Dr. Jane,

I am worried about my course grade. Could you please let me know if I am in danger of failing?

Thanks,
Stu Dent

Dear Stu,

Yes, you are in danger of failing. I don't know why it took you this long to get in touch with me. I mean, it's not like I haven't been begging, pleading, and cajoling you to meet with me since, oh, day 1 of the class since it is abundantly clear that you are so, so lost. I don't know how much more direct I can be with you, since I've written on every single quiz and assignment that you are NOT doing well and that you MUST come and see me ASAP so that we can stop the bleeding. I am always willing to help students, particularly with this subject matter, since it's not the easiest stuff in the world. But I can only help those who want to help themselves. You've dug yourself a hole that's pretty deep. I can help you dig out: I can loan you a shovel, and I can get you started. But ultimately, you're the one that has to do the digging. And frankly, I don't see that willingness in you.

Fondly,
Dr. Jane

First rule of parenthood: All plans are tentative

I should have known it was too good to be true.

I had the perfect day planned: daycare drop-off, then home to do work for a few hours, followed by a long, romantic lunch with Mr. Jane (we so sorely need to go on a date!!) at a place we've been dying to try.

Guess who woke up with a fever this morning and didn't go to daycare?

So instead, we are spending Valentine's Day doing the Child Care Shuffle. Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get takeout for lunch.

Sigh.

Sundays aren't supposed to be bad days

Why today was a bad day:

* My precious Sunday morning work time was eaten up by stupid computer problems.

* Which meant I had to scramble and find little pockets of time the rest of the day in which to do work.

* Which also meant that I did not finish everything that I intended and needed to do.

* And to add insult to injury, the code I was working on for tomorrow's class wasn't working, and it took me way too long to figure out why. Sometimes I really hate computers.

* The little free time I had was spent folding laundry.

* I was totally exhausted, but had no time for a nap.

* Mr. Jane and I sniped at each other all day long.

* Baby Jane peed all over herself twice during one diaper change.

* A disgruntled student decided to take out his frustration on me.

* I'm still awake.

What saved it from being a horrible day:

* This morning's impromptu living room "dance party".

* Baby Jane trying (more like practicing, all day long) to stand on her own.

* Dinner, cooked by Mr. Jane: one of my all-time favorite comfort food dishes. Mmmmmmmm.

* Yoga.

Life on the treadmill

I often hear parents talking about how they feel like they are always on a treadmill. I never knew what they meant. Until now. I have to say that the analogy is not quite correct: to me, it feels more like I'm on a treadmill while simultaneously trying to juggle two balls and a dagger.

I'm tired!

Here is a glance into a typical day in the Jane household:

6:30am: I get up, get dressed and ready, and check to make sure that there are no messages from daycare. If I'm lucky, I may get to grab a glass of juice.

7:00am: Wake up Baby Jane. Nurse and dress her.

7:30am: Wake up Mr. Jane. (Yeah, yeah, I know, but he wouldn't get up otherwise.)

7:45am: I finish getting ready and grab breakfast while Mr. Jane feeds Baby Jane her breakfast.

8:15-8:25am: Clean up Baby Jane, buckle her into her car seat, and off to daycare.

8:45am: Daycare dropoff.

8:45am-5:45pm (on a good day): Drive to campus, teach, pump, sterilize pump parts, meet with students, squeeze in some research work, prep classes, pump, squeeze in lunch hopefully, deal with normal workday stuff, drive home. Try to squeeze in as much productive work as possible.

5:45pm: One of us feeds Baby Jane while the other preps dinner. Then one of us eats dinner while the other one entertains Baby Jane, who is most likely crawling to somewhere she shouldn't be or trying to grab food off of our plates.

6:30pm: Playtime, pack daycare bag, bath.

7:20pm: Get Baby Jane into pajamas, nurse, story, bedtime.

8:00pm: Workout, shower (hopefully)

9:15pm: Back to the computer for more research/class prep/doing whatever didn't get done during the day. And blogging (hopefully).

11:00pm: Pump

midnight: Bedtime, hopefully.

6:30am: Get up and do it all over again.

On a good day, it all works out ok, aside from the relative lack of downtime. On a bad day like today, when Mr. Jane was sick and I had all of the before and after daycare, after staying up way too late to watch tennis? Yeah, it pretty much sucks.

Oh, and I have no idea at all how I'd do this if I didn't have a spouse that was putting in equal time in terms of childcare on a daily basis. (yay for Mr. Jane!)

A new year, a new attitude?

It is Sunday night, and I am working. Yet, I am not panicked or moody or in a bad mood about the fact that I am working. I am actually having fun, and getting excited about the coming week and the work I will get done this week.

Why?

I think a large part of this has to do with the fact that I did not spend all day working. Or, I should say, thinking that I should be working and then beating myself up for watching football instead of working, and in general not enjoying the time I spent watching football or lazing around the house or doing whatever instead of working.

I used to operate this way.

Now that I am a parent, however, it is not possible for me to spend all day Sunday working. And so I've stopped expecting that I will spend all day Sunday working. I know that I have a finite amount of time to work on Sunday---an hour or two in the morning (a habit I started when I was home full-time with Baby Jane), plus a few hours in the evening after Baby Jane goes to bed. Rather than being panicked about the "lack" of time to work, I find this very freeing. It frees me up to actually feel fine about *not* working all day, to not feel guilty about playing with Baby Jane or just staring at the TV for a bit, and to enjoy my Sunday afternoon, for once.

The crazy thing is, I think I'm actually getting more work done this way, too.

Having a kid is apparently better for my work ethic than reading self-help books ever was. Who knew?

Pluses and minuses

+: Everyone's finally healthy and we are back on a normal day care schedule.
-: No more excuse to leave work early.

+: Lots of potentially good stuff looms on the horizon. I have a lot of big-picture, long-term stuff I need to think about and plan for over the next few weeks. Most of this involves projects that I am very excited about.
-: Unfortunately, there's also a ton of short-term stuff that needs to get done, too. Finding the balance between long-term planning and short-term survival is tricky.

+: Baby Jane is mobile!
-: Baby Jane is mobile, and fast, and damn inquisitive.

+: Work is mostly good. I'm excited to be back and mostly managing my days, and feeling good about things....mostly.
-: When bad things do happen, they often send me into a tailspin of despair and "I'm never going to get tenure here!" Clearly this is not healthy.

+: I am working out every day again, and it feels great. Exercise has always been fun and relaxing for me, and I'm trying new things out to mix it up a bit.
-: Trying new things = working new muscles = OUCH!

+: Being back on campus after being gone for a year is making me feel like a rock star.
-: No one wants to hear about my research.

A first lesson in backup child care arrangements

It's the call that every parent dreads. Day care called early this morning. Apparently every kid has come down with the same nasty virus (flu? stomach bug?) within the last 48 hours. Day care is open, since Day Care Woman is not sick, but her kid just came down with it, too.

We decided to keep Baby Jane at home as a precaution. (And we're thankful that she didn't go to day care on Monday!)

Our backup child care plan, at least for now, is Mr. Jane. So he's taking most of the day off. Luckily, I don't really need to be on campus today, so I also decided to stay home to give Mr. Jane some breaks (and just in case some work crisis comes up that Mr. Jane has to deal with). In other words, we're really fortunate that this happened today, a day in which both of us could be flexible with our work schedules.

But I also know that we won't be so lucky in the future. And that has both of us a bit worried, and rethinking our backup child care plans.

UPDATE (Thursday): Well, we now have a sick kid on our hands. She's not too bad: feverish and sneezy, but still pretty much her normal self (if a bit subdued). I guess we're lucky in that this is the first time she's been sick, ever. So the child care shuffle continues...

Christmas is winding down

When we found out that we were pregnant, one of the many things that excited Mr. Jane and I was that we would finally be free to define the holidays as we wanted to. We could decide whether we wanted to travel or stay put. We could start our own traditions, borrowing/modifying ones we liked from our own backgrounds and adopting others that we had heard about and liked. Our holidays would finally be our own, and not dictated by whichever family we happened to be visiting that year.

So this year was our first "true" holiday as a family. And I have to say that it was probably one of the most enjoyable holidays I've spent as an adult. Low-key and relaxing. But still with way too much sugar consumed (note to self: it is not a good idea to keep a plate of cookies out all day long, especially when one is chasing after an infant and does not have time to make a proper, healthy snack).

Of course this is also Baby Jane's first Christmas, and that was really neat to witness. She is way too young to understand what is going on, but she did immensely enjoy the piles of wrapping paper and the boxes. She has officially become mobile (finally got a hang of the crawling thing!), and is having a blast exploring the tree, everyone's presents, and whatever's going on in the kitchen. With her around, Christmas definitely has a different feel this year---it feels more meaningful, in a sense, in a way I find hard to describe.

I hope you all are enjoying your holidays, whatever holidays you happen to celebrate.

Year-in-review meme

As seen over at Adventures in Ethics and Science.

The rule: post the first sentence of the first post for each month. (Note: I'm cheating a little bit, here, because halfway through doing this post, I realized that the majority of my first-of-the-month posts were those announcing that the new Scientiae carnival had been posted. So instead, when that's the case, I'm including the first sentence of the first non-Scientiae post.)

January: I don't remember where I first saw this, but I last saw it at Dr. Crazy's. [New Year's meme]

February: Greetings from Top Secret Location!

March: As a way of getting past the journal article block I mentioned a few posts ago, I'm revisiting some of the papers that I've cited in most of my own papers, sort of as a way of reminding myself what differentiates my current work from others' work in the same space.

April: It's Monday.

May: In my last post in this series, I set out a series of three questions that I've identified as central to deciding whether I should stick things out until tenure or go look for greener pastures.

June: Back in the day, when parenthood was still an abstract concept, I looked forward to the arrival of Hypothetical Future Child as a time where I could take a nice little hiatus from my professional life.

July: So the first big post-baby conference trip/trip with Baby Jane went very well.

August: Subtitle: If you've seen my brain, could you please return it to me?

September: I spent a blissful long weekend sans computer access, hanging with family and friends. [This was actually the third sentence; the first two had to do with the latest Scientiae carnival.]

October: I am at an exciting phase in my work right now. [See note for September.]

November: Sometimes I really need someone to give me a good swift kick in the seat of my pants. [This post was about the importance of mentoring.]

December: OK, so, today was the big day: my first day back at work, and Baby Jane's first day at daycare. [See note for September.]

Strangely, I think this sampling of posts is actually quite representative of what's been on my mind this year. Since I was out of the classroom for the entire year (first on sabbatical, then on maternity leave), I was much more focused on research, and much more introspective about my research work. (The latter is a luxury I often can't afford while I'm teaching!) And of course, having Baby Jane made me much more keenly aware of work-life balance issues, and I think I probably blogged about those more than any other topic in the second half of the year.

It was definitely a full and exciting year, that's for sure.

3 days back and I'm wishing for a vacation

This cannot be a good sign. After 3 days back at work, I'm completely stressed out and exhausted. And I'm not even teaching! If it's this hard now, what is life going to be like when classes resume??

OK, let me back up. I know I'm being melodramatic/way too hard on myself, here. I know that we'll all get used to the schedule and figure out what works and what doesn't by the time classes start again, and it will be (mostly) fine. And for pete's sake, I've been "off" work for over half a year, so of course adjusting from "work in half-hour snatches of time once or twice a day" to "work full time" is going to be difficult.

But it's been a hard week.

Baby Jane *loves* daycare (yay!), but is having some eating issues. For some reason, she is getting major, painful gas after her first bottle, which makes her not too crazy about eating at all after that. We're sort of baffled by this; the obvious place to look is the bottles, but we've been using these same bottles with no problems since the beginning. So now we get to do some trial and error to try and alleviate the gas problem so that she'll eat normally again. Yippie. (But at least this means I'm not falling behind on the pumping....)

Work-wise, even though the theme this week has been "easing back into things", things have been stressful. I'm held up on one project because I need our IT folks to do something relatively straightforward, but there's apparently only one person who can do this (???) and s/he is backed up. So I'm working on other things, which are not going so well and stressing me out further, and everything is taking me about six times longer than it needs to. And yesterday I really, really missed Baby Jane and almost started crying in my office, thinking I was the Worst Mother Ever for wanting to work and leave her in day care. (Of course I don't feel this way normally; it's just the stress of everything coming to a head.)

And to top it all off, Mr. Jane has had The Week From Hell, and so I've been doing most of the baby care. Today was the worst, because I had both pre- and post-work baby duty, by myself. My god, I don't know what I would do if I had to do this all the time----I am so glad to have an enlightened spouse who, at least during non-hell weeks, believes in sharing kid and household duties equally.

So I'm exhausted and cranky and Mr. Jane and I are picking fights with each other because he's exhausted and cranky from his hell week. What a fun household.

Deep breaths. I know that things will get better. Mr. Jane's hell week is over, so he'll be picking up some of the slack now. I'm going to take part of tomorrow off to preserve my mental health, maybe even go for a walk in the middle of the day. And every day, something about the new routine gets a bit easier, and I know this will continue to be the case. We just have to hang in there and keep plugging away.

We survived the first day

But first, a note that the new Scientiae carnival is up at Kate's! Do go check it out.

OK, so, today was the big day: my first day back at work, and Baby Jane's first day at daycare. And I have to say that it went pretty well, overall. I got pretty upset/weepy on Sunday afternoon, while I was getting Baby Jane's daycare stuff ready. But at the dreaded drop-off this morning, both she and I were remarkably composed. There were no tears from either of us when I left---she was playing happily on the floor, and I was happy that she was happy. I definitely think it would have been much harder to leave her if she had been clingy or upset, but seeing her embrace her new surroundings really put me at ease.

The day was not without drama: Baby Jane went on a bit of a hunger strike, refusing to take a bottle. Which is weird, because she'll usually take a bottle from anyone. We're guessing that it was probably due to all of the changes and stress of the day. Luckily, she ended her strike by mid-afternoon and seems to be ok. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Being back at work, though, was a challenge. I started off pretty well---deliberately planning a busy day, with stuff that was more busywork than really involved thinking-work, was definitely a good plan. But by about 2pm, my brain was dead and my head was pounding and I could have really used either a nap or a glass of wine. Or both.

Pumping was also a bit of a challenge---my output was down a bit, but considering the stress of the day, it wasn't that bad. (And the new pump is helping tremendously; it's nice to not have to stress about that anymore!) I really do hope that by the time classes start, Baby Jane will be down a feeding or two, so that I don't have to pump so much during the day. The pumping itself is not bad, but the setup and cleanup is a bit of a hassle.

I think that the person who had the hardest time adjusting was Mr. Jane. As he put it, "I've lost *two* people today!" I guess he's right; I've spent all of this year either home with the baby or working primarily at home. And I have to say, it was weird not having Mr. Jane around today, too.

So we all survived and now we just have to do this all over again...tomorrow.

Thoughts on returning to work

While I don't "officially" go back to work until January, I am "unofficially" going back to work full-time next week. I decided on that date months ago. At the time, it seemed like a long, long way away.

I can't believe it's here already.

I have to admit that I've been looking forward to returning to work for a while now. I've loved being home with Baby Jane and feel so fortunate that I was able to stay home with her as long as I did. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. Even though some days seemed like eternities and sometimes the sheer drudgery of taking care of an infant day in and day out made me contemplate jumping out the nearest window. Recently, I've been increasingly frustrated by only having small chunks of time to get work done---I have so many ideas and things I want to get cracking on, but such limited time in which to do them. Besides, I miss thinking for a living. (Not that taking care of a baby doesn't require thinking, but it's a totally different kind of thinking.) So yeah, in theory I'm so ready to go back.

But the reality of only having one more weekday at home with her is breaking my heart a bit. Ok, a lot. We'll both have to get used to a new routine---her at day care, me at school. No more midday snuggles during feedings. No more afternoon walks or trips to the mall or library. No more sneaking in to her room to watch her as she naps. Sure, we'll still have weekends, but I'll have to share her with Mr. Jane then.

I don't know what Monday will feel like. Unfortunately, I have day care drop-off duty (Mr. Jane gets to pick her up every day), which is probably the worst possible thing for me, emotionally. I thought briefly about working from home that day, but I figured it would be way too hard to get anything done with all the reminders of Baby Jane around. So I will drop her off and head to school and try to get something worthwhile done that day.

Maybe it will be fine. Maybe I won't cry at all. Maybe I'll cry all the way to school, and then be fine. Maybe I'll count the hours until she and I are both home.

God, I can't imagine what I'd be going through right now if I was at all ambivalent about going back to work.

Rough day at the office

Apparently I've jinxed myself with my last post, because today was the Day From Hell. Actually, it was really only the late afternoon that was bad, but it was bad enough to render the whole day the Day From Hell.

It all started with the lack of nap. Baby Jane did nap, but not nearly as much as she normally does. And if there's one thing we've learned about Baby Jane, it's that she needs her beauty sleep. I held out hope that she would be tired enough to take a late afternoon, pre-dinner snooze, but no such luck. Oh sure, she was tired enough, but in denial about that. So no nap.

The result was that I think I spent about 4 hours straight dealing with a crabby, super-clingy baby. She would not let me put her down. (Thank god for the sling!!) She would not let me out of her sight, not even for a minute. I tried all my tried-and-true tricks; nothing worked. She didn't want to play with her favorite toys; she didn't want to swing in her swing; she didn't want to bop around in the exersaucer. She just wanted to be held, and to walk around. It was almost like she reverted back to her former, just-born self---we spent many evening hours walking around and holding her to calm her down during her first two months. Thankfully, Mr. Jane put her to bed to give me a bit of relief. Otherwise, I might have lost it.

The funny thing is that I'm not so much physically exhausted as I am mentally exhausted. I feel the same way as if I'd spent a really long and hard and tiring day at school---like during midterms or finals week (or after an especially trying encounter with my colleagues). It's not like what I was doing was mentally taxing! Or was it? Maybe trouble-shooting Baby Jane's extreme neediness is more mentally challenging than I'm giving it credit. At any rate, I'm too tired to analyze that at the moment.

I sure hope tomorrow's an easier day.

Baby Jane update

It's hard to believe, but Baby Jane's been around for more than 6 months now. 6+ months! Ay caramba, where has the time gone? I haven't done a proper update since Month 2, so I figured it's high time that I update you on what Baby Jane is up to these days.

Baby Jane has always been a fairly easy baby, and that trend definitely continues. She has a definite schedule now for eating, sleeping, and (most days) napping. Most days, she can be counted on to take a 2 hour nap (heaven!), sometimes longer. She has a regular bedtime and sleeps through the night (although we still are waking her up for a "dream feed" before we go to bed). The regular bedtime and sleeping through the night happened fairly early, about 2.5 months; the regular nap schedule is a recent thing. It is amazing what a difference this regularity makes: I can actually plan on getting things done during the day! (Of course, sometimes laying on the couch and watching bad daytime TV wins out, but hey, I figure once I start work, there goes any sort of downtime, so I'd better enjoy downtime now.)

The development stuff, though, is the really neat part of watching Baby Jane grow up. And there have been a lot of developmental milestones lately. The first was sitting up, which she did fairly early (just past 5 months). Then came eating solids. Her favorites so far are bananas and avocados, although she will pretty much eat anything we feed her. And now, she's on the cusp of crawling. She can get up on all fours and rock, but she hasn't quite figured out how to keep moving forward. (For a while, she could only move backwards, which frustrated her to no end.) She can pull both legs forward, but then she loses her balance and falls on her tummy. But she has figured out that she can get to something if she keeps doing this up to all fours-drag legs forward-fall routine. And when she wants something, she can get to it fairly quickly. Hence, the rush to baby-proof the house.

The other neat thing is watching Baby Jane's personality develop. She is very observant and very vocal. She's insistent when she wants something (and is sometimes hard to distract!), and is pretty strong-willed. She loves people! She smiles and laughs and has her own little games that she plays with Mr. Jane and me. (Mostly these involve head-butting, hair-pulling, or face-gnawing. Thank god she doesn't have teeth yet!) She is now an "interactive" baby, which makes interacting with her a lot more fun.

When I look at pictures of her, even from just a few months ago, it's hard to believe how different she looks and how much she's changed. Some days it feels like she's been around forever, while other days it feels like she just arrived. And I will admit that there are still some days where I feel like a babysitter rather than a parent, but these days are pretty rare.

At 6+ months, I feel like I've gotten a pretty good handle on this parenting thing. It's still a wild yet thoroughly enjoyable ride.

Little luxuries

The biggest luxury for me these days is "me time". (Well, and sleep, of course, although we're pretty lucky because Baby Jane is a fairly good sleeper. Somehow, we're all still managing to be sleep-deprived here, though.) I only get time to myself in bits and pieces, usually when the baby's napping or after she goes to bed. I've become pretty good at using those little snatches of time well, but it's still hard to manage. Particularly since just a few short months ago, I was completely in charge of how I spent my time.

Today I was able to spend larger chunks of "me time". Mr. Jane took over almost all of the baby care today (except for the feedings), so I had most of the day to myself. It was exactly what I needed. Holed up in my home office with a big pot of decaf, the lavender candle burning, and music going, I was able to make significant progress on a particularly tricky part of the newer journal article. It felt almost decadent, to be able to think deeply for such long stretches of time! And I even got out to see some friends, too, later in the day.

It's amazing how little things like that can be so restorative. And how my definition of "luxury" has changed so drastically since I became a mom.

Body image

Before I had my daughter, I sort of took my body for granted. I was comfortable with my body: how it looked, how I dressed it, how it operated. I felt like I knew it well: its quirks, its abilities and its limits. I don't own a scale, but could usually estimate my weight by how loose or tight my clothes were fitting.

Having a baby changed all that.

Pregnancy was utterly fascinating to me. All those changes, the new sensations, the way my body morphed....it was like one big science experiment! I didn't really think at the time what my body would look like or feel like or be like once the baby came out. I just took for granted that it would go back to the way it once was....eventually.

Emotionally, I'm in a totally different place about my body. Seeing what my body was capable of, during the whole labor process, completely awed me. As I told a good friend afterwards, "I can never hate my body again after going through that." And I still feel that way.

Physically, though, it's clear that my body has changed, and will never quite go back to what it once was. I don't have stretch marks, but my hips are definitely wider. My stomach will probably always have a bit more "give" to it (hey, it sounds better than calling it "flab"). And my upper body is completely differently proportioned. (This is probably largely due to breastfeeding---but I'm not completely convinced that things will go back to the way they were once I'm done breastfeeding.)

Learning how to dress my new body has been challenging. This weekend, I went through my closet to see if I could find anything else from my former self that fit yet. I purged a lot of stuff that, it was clear, would never look flattering on me again. (Goodbye, super-skinny jeans.) I also purged a lot of stuff that, to be honest, was never flattering on me, but that I hung onto and wore anyway. It was much harder to find tops that fit and flattered my new body than it was to find pants and skirts. There are a lot of holes that need to be filled in my wardrobe. (On the bright side, I now have to go shopping! I just wish I had the time and energy to do so.)

The purging of my closet, and the acceptance of my current body image, is a great metaphor for all the other stuff going on in my life now. Accepting my current body image is forcing me to live in the moment and live with who I am here and now---not on who I might or might not be in 6 months or a year---and work with who I am right now. Building a new wardrobe that works with the current me, and focusing on just getting the staples for this wardrobe, reminds me that I should concentrate on the truly important stuff and let go of the superfluous and trivial stuff. (Quality, not quantity.) Purging the unflattering stuff...well, I'm trying to do that in my life as well, figuring out where I'm wasting my emotional energy, revisiting how I react to certain things and people in my life (especially in my job), etc. (And, I guess, trying to determine if my current job is a good "fit", as-is or with some alterations.)

Early lessons in prioritizing

So the short story is that I'm not going to the Grace Hopper conference this year.

The long story is not all that interesting, but I'll tell it anyway.

As usual, the task of organizing/rallying the undergrads fell to me, so I spent the latter part of last month "recruiting", in a sense. And worrying about the initial lack of response from the students. And stressing about finding funding so that I could go.

A few days ago, I was searching online for flights, hotel, registration information, etc., and mentally composing the email that I'd have to send to the dean in charge of discretionary funds. And...I had to stop. I just couldn't do it, didn't want to do it, was just getting all sorts of stressed out about it.

It was about that time that I realized that maybe I'd be happier skipping out on GHC this year.

I was very conflicted about this. I love going to GHC, love the environment, love being in a place where I don't feel so darned weird about being a woman in computing. I love taking undergrads, many of whom have never been to a conference before, and seeing them experience a whole other side of CS. I love the energy, love the ideas I hear about and bring back with me, and love meeting other women in CS, particularly other junior women faculty.

But I just couldn't stomach the thought of going to yet another conference at this point. I knew I'd have to do some serious juggling, just like I did in the last two conferences, between baby care/breastfeeding/pumping and conferencing/networking. And this time, I'd have to add in the whole traveling-with-students thing, too. All three of those things, individually, takes a lot of energy, and I just don't feel like I have the energy to do any of that right now, much less all of that. I'm exhausted already; the trip might just kill me.

So I've decided to skip out this year. On the one hand, I'm disappointed. On the other hand, I'm relieved. I figure there will be plenty of time for the whole work/baby care balance circus to play itself out once I go back to work; the longer I can defer that, and enjoy my time at home with Baby Jane, the better.

A snapshot of what's on my mind lately

(Longer than random bullets, but not long enough to warrant separate posts.)

* * * * *
Item #1: CS conferences are too expensive. It's only August and I've already burned through my entire travel budget for this year. Why? Because CS conferences are out-of-control expensive. I'm talking just the registration fees (although the two conferences I went to this summer were in pricey locales, which certainly didn't help the budget). Now, I'm really grateful that my institution does give me travel money each year; that's not the issue. The problem is that if I want to get my work out there, I have to submit conference papers; if I submit conference papers, I have to go present them; but the price structure of CS conferences makes it difficult to attend more than one conference a year. So it's a catch-22. I am now in the position where (a) I have to figure out if there's a way to finagle travel money out of some dean or my department chair so that I can go to GHC this year and (b) I'm screwed if I get another conference paper accepted this fiscal year. Not exactly what I want to spend my time and energy stressing over.

* * * * *
Item #2: Perception is everything. Mr. Jane is one of the most enlightened men I know. However, last week I had to read him the riot act, over time spent on child care. Or, should I say, the lack thereof on his part. His perception was that he was doing a fine job; the reality was that I was basically doing child care 24/7, even on weekends. Lessons learned: him---he's gotta step up to the plate and not wait for me to ask for help (duh); me---be more assertive in letting Mr. Jane know what I need, in terms of time and assistance, and in taking time for myself.

* * * * *
Item #3: Why peer mentoring is important. I get together regularly with a few friend/colleagues to talk about life and work. Ok, mostly life, but the goal is to keep each other on track with our research. These women are currently kicking my butt to get me to submit the journal article that I *still* haven't submitted. Which is just what I need right now. If not for them, I'd probably continue to ignore it and let it languish. Because of their pestering, though, I have recommitted myself to submitting this article ASAP. Hopefully it's in as good shape as I remember before the baby arrived, and I won't need to do too much to it before I can send it off.

Actually, to be honest, if it weren't for this group I would really be tempted to blow off work altogether until I return to work. It's amazing what accountability to others can do for your productivity.

* * * * *
Item #4: The next Scientiae. So the theme for the next Scientiae carnival is "Unleash". I've been thinking about what I want to write about for this carnival. Unfortunately, I'm feeling very "leashed" lately. In particular, I'm sort of feeling trapped by my current situation, that even if I wanted to leave, it would be difficult to do so. My concern? Letters of recommendation. I feel like I'd need at least one from my current institution if I wanted to go elsewhere, but I don't know if I can fully trust those who could write me a letter to write me a letter that could get me another job, if that makes sense. Maybe I'm wrong about this (I hope I am), but it is something I'm thinking about, particularly as the next hiring season starts.

* * * * *
Item #5: Where the hell did the summer go?! Self-explanatory, I hope.

Things they don't tell you about motherhood

Mr. Jane is putting Baby Jane to bed and doing her pre-bed feeding.

Baby Jane is screaming at the top of her lungs and has been for the last 5-10 minutes.

It is taking every single ounce of willpower I have to not go to her.

It is breaking my heart.

Sigh.

The mom/professional dichotomy

The inspiration for this post came at lunch one day during the last conference I attended. I was sitting with a group of people I hadn't met previously (as I like to do at conferences), making the sort of small talk you do at conferences with people you don't yet know. One man at the table mentioned that he and his wife had just had a baby. And I did what I suspect many career women with kids sometimes do:

I hesitated.

I ended up sharing that I, too, had just had a baby, but I struggled with whether or not to speak up. Would I blow all my carefully cultivated professional capital if those (mostly men) seated at the table knew that I was a mom? And why, in 2007, is it that I'm sitting here worrying about this question when I am fairly sure that the man with the new baby didn't even think twice about sharing that factoid about himself?

After this incident, I thought about my conference experience this time around (and the one last month), and how it was different from the conferences I've attended in the past, pre-motherhood. There are the obvious things, like skipping out on some (most) of the sessions and some (most) of the social events, mainly because of the logistics of baby care and breastfeeding. But there are the less obvious things too, like where my mind is during sessions. The former has more obvious repercussions: one of the reasons I go to conferences is to network, and networking is difficult when your opportunities to do so are limited by the fact that you have to run up to the room to breastfeed during the break instead of grabbing coffee, or that you skipped the big dinner where all the real conversation happens. But the latter also affects the conference experience. There were a few sessions between the last two conferences where I was able to "forget" about the other half of my life, motherhood, and just concentrate on the papers and speakers. But most of the time, I found myself worrying about how Baby Jane was doing, when I'd be able to sneak away and pump, whether or not I should run up and check on her during the next break or sneak out during the session itself. Having to deal with both roles was exhausting---and I'm sure this is nothing compared to what I'll be dealing with when Baby Jane is older and I'm working full-time.

I wondered, and still do, how the experience is different for men who have children. How often do they think about them during the conference? If they bring them along to the conference, do they skip sessions and events to take care of them? Are they as exhausted as I was, switching back and forth between roles, or do they do a much better job of concentrating on one role at a time? I wish I could have had the opportunity to ask that man sitting at my table some of those questions, but of course I'd feel funny doing so, since we'd just met, after all.

And this got me thinking, closer to home, about how differently Mr. Jane and I deal with all of the stresses related to parenting a new baby. We both try to give each other "me time", but I think Mr. Jane does a much better job of taking advantage of that "me time". He'll leave the house, get away, and thoroughly enjoy himself. I struggle mightily. Mainly because I don't get much "me time", so when I do get an hour or a couple of hours, I'm at a loss as to how I "should" spend it. Do I try and get some work done? Exercise? Sleep? Do something fun? Clean? Often I won't end up doing anything, and then kicking myself about it later. Or if I do leave the house, I find it's very hard to completely shut the "mom" side of my brain off, and I spend a lot of that time thinking about Baby Jane or about what I need to do when I return home. Again, this is exhausting and, of course, not healthy.

So this, apparently, is my introduction into what I know will be a life-long struggle in figuring out how to balance career, parenthood, and life. In a sense, I'm glad I had the experience early on of going to conferences with the baby, because it's gotten me thinking about things I should be thinking about, especially before I return to work.

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