So, regular readers of this space know that last year, at least before Baby Jane arrived, I was on sabbatical. It was always my intention to do a reflective post on "what I learned on my sabbatical" upon returning to work. But life with an infant does not allow for much reflection, so the post was never written.
I actually think that's a good thing, because now that I've been back at work for a few months, I think I have a better perspective on what my sabbatical taught me.
First, and most unexpectedly, my sabbatical brought me a new perspective on my relationship with my colleagues and my place in the department. I find that my interactions with and responses to my colleagues are more measured. I am more direct, in my opinions and requests. I speak up, but I choose my words more carefully. I am not afraid to stand up for something, but I also choose my battles better, and am more diplomatic than I used to be. Do things still bug me? Absolutely. Am I always listened to? No way. But I sense that my words and ideas now carry more weight, and that I'm getting people to listen to me and take my ideas more seriously. And that's making a huge difference, especially in how I feel day-to-day in my job.
Second, my sabbatical helped me gain a new perspective on my teaching. Actually I think it pushed along the natural evolution of my teaching, but the point is that ironically, stepping out of the classroom for a year was probably the best thing I could have done to improve my teaching. I've pared my classes down to the essentials. I teach less "stuff" than ever before, yet my students are learning tons more, asking better questions, making better insights about the material. My assignments are much better integrated into the fabric of the course---and in fact, inform the way I've structured each course. I tend to be such a detail person, which has hurt my teaching in the past, but the time away to reflect helped me develop strategies to combat this tendency. I feel comfortable in the classroom again, and confident in my ability to reach my students. I don't feel 100% sure that this will be enough to earn me tenure, but I also don't feel anymore like there's no way I'll get tenure.
Finally, as odd as this may sound given the tenor of recent posts here, sabbatical reaffirmed the importance of having some semblance of balance (ha!) in my life. OK, maybe "balance" is a little optimistic these days. But how important it is to do little things, like make time to work out every day, or take time off on the weekends, or for pete's sake enjoy my daughter and husband and do fun things as a family and get out of the house every once in a while. It's hard to justify taking the time to do these things, especially when the laundry is piling up and the kitchen floor hasn't been cleaned since Christmas and there's always more work that needs to be done, but not blowing this stuff off every once in a while is only going to make a person sick, or perpetually pissed off, and less able to Get Stuff Done. Having a chance to take an extended breather, and learning that I could be more productive when I did so, reminded me of that fact.
So there you have it. Sabbatical was of course valuable from a research perspective (although I didn't get as much done as I wanted---does anyone??), but for me, it was more valuable for the non-research related reasons. And that in itself was a particular kind of renewal for me.
scientiae-carnival
Showing posts with label tenure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tenure. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
When the professional and personal collide, part 2
I missed a deadline.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that one of the two journal articles I currently have in progress was just about ready to be sent out. I found a suitable home for it. A colleague told me that the journal has a policy of assigning reviewers quickly to articles if they are submitted by a certain date. Aha! Instant deadline! The date was definitely do-able: I'd have to do some revisions to make the page count and formatting, along with the last-minute revisions (and, oh yeah, writing the intro section), but I could definitely, and comfortably, make it.
Then life intervened.
Over the past two weeks, all of us have been sick at one time or another. We've had to juggle day care several times. I was single-parenting for a few days. There was a crisis that needed to be dealt with that took up a bunch of time and mental energy last week.
I held out faint hope for this weekend....until Mr. Jane got can't-get-off-the-couch sick, and Baby Jane decided to go on a napping strike.
Now, in the long term this is not a huge deal. The journal is not going away; I can submit it anyway, and just deal with a longer review process. Fine.
But these past few weeks, I've been completely frustrated, exasperated even, with the lack of control I've had over my life. Yes, I realize that this is par for the course when you have an infant. Yes, I realized what I was getting into....sort of. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I feel like my life has to be in perfect balance for me to make progress on...anything. And anything any part of my life falls out of balance, at best I can tread water and not lose ground; at worst, I fall further and further behind. Right now, I am so far behind with what I absolutely need to have done, much less the "nonessential" stuff like research. At times like this, I feel like I'll never get everything into balance, never really be able to feel like I'm moving forward, never feel like I can relax and feel good about where I am, currently, and where I'm going.
I wonder if this feeling ever goes away, or even lessens...or if this is something I will just have to learn to deal with for the next 18 or so years.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that one of the two journal articles I currently have in progress was just about ready to be sent out. I found a suitable home for it. A colleague told me that the journal has a policy of assigning reviewers quickly to articles if they are submitted by a certain date. Aha! Instant deadline! The date was definitely do-able: I'd have to do some revisions to make the page count and formatting, along with the last-minute revisions (and, oh yeah, writing the intro section), but I could definitely, and comfortably, make it.
Then life intervened.
Over the past two weeks, all of us have been sick at one time or another. We've had to juggle day care several times. I was single-parenting for a few days. There was a crisis that needed to be dealt with that took up a bunch of time and mental energy last week.
I held out faint hope for this weekend....until Mr. Jane got can't-get-off-the-couch sick, and Baby Jane decided to go on a napping strike.
Now, in the long term this is not a huge deal. The journal is not going away; I can submit it anyway, and just deal with a longer review process. Fine.
But these past few weeks, I've been completely frustrated, exasperated even, with the lack of control I've had over my life. Yes, I realize that this is par for the course when you have an infant. Yes, I realized what I was getting into....sort of. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I feel like my life has to be in perfect balance for me to make progress on...anything. And anything any part of my life falls out of balance, at best I can tread water and not lose ground; at worst, I fall further and further behind. Right now, I am so far behind with what I absolutely need to have done, much less the "nonessential" stuff like research. At times like this, I feel like I'll never get everything into balance, never really be able to feel like I'm moving forward, never feel like I can relax and feel good about where I am, currently, and where I'm going.
I wonder if this feeling ever goes away, or even lessens...or if this is something I will just have to learn to deal with for the next 18 or so years.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Communication
A post in three unrelated (?) acts.
***
ACT 1
Baby Jane is trying her best to communicate with us. She is very vocal, which means that she spends a lot of time either babbling to herself (or her toys) or to us. When she babbles to us, she is very intent: she makes eye contact, she modulates her voice, she changes her inflection and her syllables. Clearly she has something very important to tell us! If only we could figure out what it was.
We have been signing to her for months now, and finally, she is signing back. Sometimes her signs are crystal clear, like the day she signed "Daddy" when Mr. Jane came home from running errands. But often they are a bit ambiguous. "Milk", for instance, is her general sign for "I'm tired and it's time for bed" (we breastfeed her as part of the bedtime ritual). Still, it's an exciting time: we know that she understands us, and finally, finally, we are starting to understand her.
***
ACT 2
Since returning from sabbatical, I've found that I am more direct with my colleagues. Maybe it's because the time away from my colleagues brought me a greater understanding of the ways in which we communicate poorly with each other. Or maybe it's because I have no time and am thus forced to be direct to save what little time I have. Whatever the reason, being direct is proving wildly successful. For instance: there's this particular thing that I've wanted to do for ages, but my chair always offers/delegates it to someone else. In the past, I've talked to my chair about getting a chance to do it, but for whatever reason, nothing ever changed. Which just led me to stew and be unhappy and complain. This time around, I decided to just tell my chair outright that I want to do this thing. No beating around the bush, no trying to find the "right" words, none of that. No, I just went to my chair and said "You know, I should do X this year." And he said "OK, that sounds like a great idea! You're on!"
How much time and energy have I wasted worrying about not being a pest or a bother, and thus not asking for what I want?
***
ACT 3
Dear Dr. Jane,
I am worried about my course grade. Could you please let me know if I am in danger of failing?
Thanks,
Stu Dent
Dear Stu,
Yes, you are in danger of failing. I don't know why it took you this long to get in touch with me. I mean, it's not like I haven't been begging, pleading, and cajoling you to meet with me since, oh, day 1 of the class since it is abundantly clear that you are so, so lost. I don't know how much more direct I can be with you, since I've written on every single quiz and assignment that you are NOT doing well and that you MUST come and see me ASAP so that we can stop the bleeding. I am always willing to help students, particularly with this subject matter, since it's not the easiest stuff in the world. But I can only help those who want to help themselves. You've dug yourself a hole that's pretty deep. I can help you dig out: I can loan you a shovel, and I can get you started. But ultimately, you're the one that has to do the digging. And frankly, I don't see that willingness in you.
Fondly,
Dr. Jane
***
ACT 1
Baby Jane is trying her best to communicate with us. She is very vocal, which means that she spends a lot of time either babbling to herself (or her toys) or to us. When she babbles to us, she is very intent: she makes eye contact, she modulates her voice, she changes her inflection and her syllables. Clearly she has something very important to tell us! If only we could figure out what it was.
We have been signing to her for months now, and finally, she is signing back. Sometimes her signs are crystal clear, like the day she signed "Daddy" when Mr. Jane came home from running errands. But often they are a bit ambiguous. "Milk", for instance, is her general sign for "I'm tired and it's time for bed" (we breastfeed her as part of the bedtime ritual). Still, it's an exciting time: we know that she understands us, and finally, finally, we are starting to understand her.
***
ACT 2
Since returning from sabbatical, I've found that I am more direct with my colleagues. Maybe it's because the time away from my colleagues brought me a greater understanding of the ways in which we communicate poorly with each other. Or maybe it's because I have no time and am thus forced to be direct to save what little time I have. Whatever the reason, being direct is proving wildly successful. For instance: there's this particular thing that I've wanted to do for ages, but my chair always offers/delegates it to someone else. In the past, I've talked to my chair about getting a chance to do it, but for whatever reason, nothing ever changed. Which just led me to stew and be unhappy and complain. This time around, I decided to just tell my chair outright that I want to do this thing. No beating around the bush, no trying to find the "right" words, none of that. No, I just went to my chair and said "You know, I should do X this year." And he said "OK, that sounds like a great idea! You're on!"
How much time and energy have I wasted worrying about not being a pest or a bother, and thus not asking for what I want?
***
ACT 3
Dear Dr. Jane,
I am worried about my course grade. Could you please let me know if I am in danger of failing?
Thanks,
Stu Dent
Dear Stu,
Yes, you are in danger of failing. I don't know why it took you this long to get in touch with me. I mean, it's not like I haven't been begging, pleading, and cajoling you to meet with me since, oh, day 1 of the class since it is abundantly clear that you are so, so lost. I don't know how much more direct I can be with you, since I've written on every single quiz and assignment that you are NOT doing well and that you MUST come and see me ASAP so that we can stop the bleeding. I am always willing to help students, particularly with this subject matter, since it's not the easiest stuff in the world. But I can only help those who want to help themselves. You've dug yourself a hole that's pretty deep. I can help you dig out: I can loan you a shovel, and I can get you started. But ultimately, you're the one that has to do the digging. And frankly, I don't see that willingness in you.
Fondly,
Dr. Jane
Friday, December 28, 2007
End of the year meme
I've been tagged by ecogeofemme! And just in time, since I was looking for a way to procrastinate...
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
To be honest, it all depends on how things go this coming semester/term. I think I will have a clearer picture by the end of the school year as to whether or not I have a good shot of getting tenure at my current institution (and/or whether I want to stick around long enough for that). So the next few months will be interesting, to say the least.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I'd like to meet some new moms near me. I feel like I'm the only mom on the planet who's not a part of a moms' group.
3. New house?
Thankfully, no.
4. What will you do differently in 08?
Try not to sweat the small stuff.
5. New Years resolution?
I like the idea of the New Years Theme (a la profgrrrrl---can't seem to find the exact post, unfortunately) rather than resolutions. I am still deciding on a theme, but I'm pretty sure my theme this year is going to be Fearless. More on that later.
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Sleeping, apparently, given how hectic my life is becoming lately with going back to work full-time.
7. Any trips planned?
Yes. I'll be taking my first trip without Baby Jane (yikes!), coming up soon. We're also tentatively planning a camping trip for the summer with Baby Jane, an anniversary trip to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, and a few trips to visit various friends and relatives.
8. Wedding plans?
Not for me. :)
9. Major thing on your calendar?
Well, there's the start of the semester/term, which puts me back in the classroom after a year away. And our anniversary. And the official start of my tenure review in the fall (eek!).
10. What can’t you wait for?
I can't wait to see how Baby Jane grows and changes this year. It seems like every day brings something new with her, and it's really a treat to be a part of that.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
My tenure review (in comparison to my third year review).
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I'd like to be more true to myself, less worried about what other people think of me, and less concerned about fitting into some arbitrary mold. I'd like to be a bit more uninhibited in the classroom, and trust my instincts more when it comes to both teaching and research. I want to stop standing in my own way when it comes to pursuing my goals, like applying for funding or submitting journal articles or finding new ways to mentor our women students. Should be easy, right? ;)
13. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I had a baby.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. When I'm stressed out, I can be a real pain in the a$$. I'd like to stop being that way.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Yes. For one thing, I won't be wearing maternity clothes. Since I'm now more or less back to my old size, but with a changed body, I'm reevaluating my look and recommitting myself to only wear things that make me look and feel fabulous. Which reminds me, I think I need to go shopping for some new work-appropriate clothes (that I can also pump in)....
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will continue to enjoy the occasional adult beverage, as long as it's not too near nursing time.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
See #14.
18. Will you do charity work?
Yes. I have a cool project that I'll potentially be working on, that I'm so very excited about.
19. Will you go to bars?
Maybe. Mr. Jane and I are trying to institute a regular Date Night, so perhaps bars will play some role in that.
20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I usually am, unless they give me a reason not to be.
21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
Yes! I am optimistic and excited about the upcoming year.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Oh man, 1000%. It sounds trite, but it's true: having a kid really does change everything.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
I hope to have another one, yes, but not next year.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so.
25. Major lifestyle changes?
Juggling the whole working mother thing is, and will continue to be, a work in progress.
26. Will you be moving?
Hopefully not!
27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?
I'm stealing this one from ecogeofemme: failure to submit any of the journal articles I'm working on. Bad, bad Jane!
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Mr. Jane and I were kind of lazy about finding a babysitter, so we'll be hanging out with friends early in the day, then hanging out at home at night. And I'll probably work in the morning, too, since I'm going to have to hit the ground running right after the holidays.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Mr. Jane, assuming I can stay up that late!
30. One wish for 08?
A woman in the White House!
And now my least favorite part: tagging people. I'll tag Chaser, Katie (it's ok if you don't get to it right away!), Addy N (once you return from your holiday traveling), Rebecca, and Skookumchick. And anyone else who wants to!
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
To be honest, it all depends on how things go this coming semester/term. I think I will have a clearer picture by the end of the school year as to whether or not I have a good shot of getting tenure at my current institution (and/or whether I want to stick around long enough for that). So the next few months will be interesting, to say the least.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I'd like to meet some new moms near me. I feel like I'm the only mom on the planet who's not a part of a moms' group.
3. New house?
Thankfully, no.
4. What will you do differently in 08?
Try not to sweat the small stuff.
5. New Years resolution?
I like the idea of the New Years Theme (a la profgrrrrl---can't seem to find the exact post, unfortunately) rather than resolutions. I am still deciding on a theme, but I'm pretty sure my theme this year is going to be Fearless. More on that later.
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Sleeping, apparently, given how hectic my life is becoming lately with going back to work full-time.
7. Any trips planned?
Yes. I'll be taking my first trip without Baby Jane (yikes!), coming up soon. We're also tentatively planning a camping trip for the summer with Baby Jane, an anniversary trip to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, and a few trips to visit various friends and relatives.
8. Wedding plans?
Not for me. :)
9. Major thing on your calendar?
Well, there's the start of the semester/term, which puts me back in the classroom after a year away. And our anniversary. And the official start of my tenure review in the fall (eek!).
10. What can’t you wait for?
I can't wait to see how Baby Jane grows and changes this year. It seems like every day brings something new with her, and it's really a treat to be a part of that.
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
My tenure review (in comparison to my third year review).
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I'd like to be more true to myself, less worried about what other people think of me, and less concerned about fitting into some arbitrary mold. I'd like to be a bit more uninhibited in the classroom, and trust my instincts more when it comes to both teaching and research. I want to stop standing in my own way when it comes to pursuing my goals, like applying for funding or submitting journal articles or finding new ways to mentor our women students. Should be easy, right? ;)
13. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I had a baby.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. When I'm stressed out, I can be a real pain in the a$$. I'd like to stop being that way.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Yes. For one thing, I won't be wearing maternity clothes. Since I'm now more or less back to my old size, but with a changed body, I'm reevaluating my look and recommitting myself to only wear things that make me look and feel fabulous. Which reminds me, I think I need to go shopping for some new work-appropriate clothes (that I can also pump in)....
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will continue to enjoy the occasional adult beverage, as long as it's not too near nursing time.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
See #14.
18. Will you do charity work?
Yes. I have a cool project that I'll potentially be working on, that I'm so very excited about.
19. Will you go to bars?
Maybe. Mr. Jane and I are trying to institute a regular Date Night, so perhaps bars will play some role in that.
20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I usually am, unless they give me a reason not to be.
21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
Yes! I am optimistic and excited about the upcoming year.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Oh man, 1000%. It sounds trite, but it's true: having a kid really does change everything.
23. Do you plan on having a child?
I hope to have another one, yes, but not next year.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I hope so.
25. Major lifestyle changes?
Juggling the whole working mother thing is, and will continue to be, a work in progress.
26. Will you be moving?
Hopefully not!
27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07?
I'm stealing this one from ecogeofemme: failure to submit any of the journal articles I'm working on. Bad, bad Jane!
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Mr. Jane and I were kind of lazy about finding a babysitter, so we'll be hanging out with friends early in the day, then hanging out at home at night. And I'll probably work in the morning, too, since I'm going to have to hit the ground running right after the holidays.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Mr. Jane, assuming I can stay up that late!
30. One wish for 08?
A woman in the White House!
And now my least favorite part: tagging people. I'll tag Chaser, Katie (it's ok if you don't get to it right away!), Addy N (once you return from your holiday traveling), Rebecca, and Skookumchick. And anyone else who wants to!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Transcending the debate: A call to arms
So the topic for this month's Scientiae carnival is "transcending the debate". When the call first came out, I thought "cool! what an interesting topic! I can't wait to come up with a post for this one!"
And in trying to come up with a post, I've struggled mightily. For reasons I didn't understand, until today, when I had an epiphany.
I think a lot of the struggles I've had, particularly in my current position, especially around my legendarily bad third-year review, come about as a direct result of not transcending the debate. Instead of transcending, I tend to mire myself in the muck, let colleagues and situations drag me down and make me question myself and my instincts and generally deter me from pursuing the things I want to pursue.
I'm not sure why I do this. Is it a misguided attempt at acceptance? Is it a weariness with being outnumbered and (pardon the war analogy) outgunned in departmental situations? Is it self-consciousness, low self-esteem? Or is it because I'm truly passionate about these things and don't understand why others don't share my fiery passion for the same things?
My mom has a great saying/philosophy: Sometimes acting oblivious is your best defense/strategy. And when I've remembered that and really put it to practice, difficult situations have become...not quite so difficult. Sure, it doesn't work all the time, but it works more often than it doesn't.
This year, as I return to work, I pledge to really work on transcending the stuff that normally gets me down, to follow my instincts, and do what I know is right and righteous and good. I will mentor our young women (and other underrepresented folks) with abandon. I will resurrect the lunch/cookies tradition. I will ignore any negative comments or criticisms about such activities. Most importantly, I will work to make my department a place that's welcoming to all, and if my colleagues don't like it, tough nougies.
I'd better start practicing being oblivious.
scientiae-carnival
And in trying to come up with a post, I've struggled mightily. For reasons I didn't understand, until today, when I had an epiphany.
I think a lot of the struggles I've had, particularly in my current position, especially around my legendarily bad third-year review, come about as a direct result of not transcending the debate. Instead of transcending, I tend to mire myself in the muck, let colleagues and situations drag me down and make me question myself and my instincts and generally deter me from pursuing the things I want to pursue.
I'm not sure why I do this. Is it a misguided attempt at acceptance? Is it a weariness with being outnumbered and (pardon the war analogy) outgunned in departmental situations? Is it self-consciousness, low self-esteem? Or is it because I'm truly passionate about these things and don't understand why others don't share my fiery passion for the same things?
My mom has a great saying/philosophy: Sometimes acting oblivious is your best defense/strategy. And when I've remembered that and really put it to practice, difficult situations have become...not quite so difficult. Sure, it doesn't work all the time, but it works more often than it doesn't.
This year, as I return to work, I pledge to really work on transcending the stuff that normally gets me down, to follow my instincts, and do what I know is right and righteous and good. I will mentor our young women (and other underrepresented folks) with abandon. I will resurrect the lunch/cookies tradition. I will ignore any negative comments or criticisms about such activities. Most importantly, I will work to make my department a place that's welcoming to all, and if my colleagues don't like it, tough nougies.
I'd better start practicing being oblivious.
scientiae-carnival
Friday, June 01, 2007
When the professional and personal collide
Back in the day, when parenthood was still an abstract concept, I looked forward to the arrival of Hypothetical Future Child as a time where I could take a nice little hiatus from my professional life. I thought that of course it would be no big deal to put my research and teaching and everything else on hold for a few months and concentrate on Hypothetical Future Child.
Well, now Hypothetical Future Child is not hypothetical anymore, and ironically, it seems that now is the time that my career has decided to really take off.
Within the next couple of months, I will be presenting my work at two significant conferences. Turnaround times on papers are getting shorter and shorter, which means that either I'm a much better writer now or that my ideas are really at the mature stage and that the field is really interested in them. (Probably a bit of both.) I've received a lot of good professional news just in the weeks since Baby Jane arrived. And I'm at the stage where I could get a journal paper out, an entirely new one, by the end of the summer, based on these conference papers and talks. Things are coming together rapidly and opportunities abound: a perfect storm of career productivity.
So much for that break from my career, huh?
So now I find myself with an interesting dilemma. Part of me wants to capitalize on this career momentum while I can, because who knows how long it will last? And it won't be long before I go up for tenure, so sustaining this momentum is very important. But how much can I conceivably get done with a very young infant? And how true do I want to be to my original plan to take some time off and *enjoy* this time as a mother and not as a professor? Where should the balance be?
At least I now have something new and concrete to think about during all those middle-of-the-night feedings. It should be an interesting couple of weeks while I try to figure this all out.
scientiae-carnival
Well, now Hypothetical Future Child is not hypothetical anymore, and ironically, it seems that now is the time that my career has decided to really take off.
Within the next couple of months, I will be presenting my work at two significant conferences. Turnaround times on papers are getting shorter and shorter, which means that either I'm a much better writer now or that my ideas are really at the mature stage and that the field is really interested in them. (Probably a bit of both.) I've received a lot of good professional news just in the weeks since Baby Jane arrived. And I'm at the stage where I could get a journal paper out, an entirely new one, by the end of the summer, based on these conference papers and talks. Things are coming together rapidly and opportunities abound: a perfect storm of career productivity.
So much for that break from my career, huh?
So now I find myself with an interesting dilemma. Part of me wants to capitalize on this career momentum while I can, because who knows how long it will last? And it won't be long before I go up for tenure, so sustaining this momentum is very important. But how much can I conceivably get done with a very young infant? And how true do I want to be to my original plan to take some time off and *enjoy* this time as a mother and not as a professor? Where should the balance be?
At least I now have something new and concrete to think about during all those middle-of-the-night feedings. It should be an interesting couple of weeks while I try to figure this all out.
scientiae-carnival
Thursday, May 03, 2007
To stay or go, Part 2: Institution and department
In my last post in this series, I set out a series of three questions that I've identified as central to deciding whether I should stick things out until tenure or go look for greener pastures. I actually started writing this post thinking I'd address the first question, but I seem to be stuck. Mainly, I think, because a lot of "good day" vs. "bad day" is tied to the second question, which is "how much of the good/bad is tied to the institution/department, and how much is tied to the whole idea of what makes an "assistant professor?". So I'm going to skip to the second question, and mainly deal with the first part of that.
In other words, what are the good and bad things about my institution and my department?
I'll start with my institution, because this is where I find many things to like. My institution treats its faculty well---there is a lot of support for various forms of development, travel, special projects, etc. It has good resources. Smart people. Some good people in the administration, even. :) The service requirements are there, but not stifling. I've made lots of great friends here, and there's a cohort of strong junior faculty women (which I think scares some of the senior faculty a bit, to be honest). The students are by and large one of the better parts of this job, too---for the most part, smart and engaged and neat people. I've been incredibly lucky to only have a few "problem students" so far (of course, those problem students were *real* problems...but on balance, I think it's been fine).
What I don't especially like about the institution: the pace of change (but I suspect this is true most places); the gender balance, especially in positions of power (see previous note); the "strong department" structure, which can be dangerous; the amount of "homerism"---"this place is so great, why would we ever want to change a thing?". I'm not sure how prevalent that last one is in other places, but I feel like it's especially pronounced here, and in weird ways.
OK, now on to the department side. I'll start with the good stuff. As much as I complain about them, I personally really like my colleagues. We do lunch and chat in the hallways and share resources and some of us are friends outside of work. Again, good resources and pretty decent support if there's something you really want to do or try. The senior faculty do a pretty decent job protecting junior faculty from overcommitment---my chair, for example, really went to bat for me to protect my time during sabbatical. There's a lot of faculty interest and energy put into improving the community among our undergrad majors, and I can see that starting to pay off. On good days, it's a great place to work.
Now for the bad stuff. Well, there's the whole I-don't-trust-the-senior-faculty that's a direct result of my third year review. I still don't trust that they will give me the feedback or support that I will need as I try to earn tenure here. (I still don't trust them, because I still don't see them doing those things, even after lengthy conversations with them and with much prodding on my part.) This is a biggie, unfortunately, especially given the "strong department" structure we have here. I feel like my department prizes getting along over all else, and as a result disagreements are seen as Bad and there's a bit too much "groupthink" that occurs as a result, at the expense of honest discussion. Alternate opinions are viewed as suspect---not always, but often---which is not good, because I'm often the one with the alternate opinion. Conflict is avoided at all costs, even when doing so is detrimental to one of us or the department as a whole. And I often feel like I'm not listened to or supported by my department in general, like my ideas are not taken seriously (unless suggested by someone else) or are immediately discounted. I'd say that about 70% of my bad days are a direct result of an encounter with one or more members of my department.
So that's kind of the landscape in which I'm working right now. I've had a pretty good sense for most of my time here about what the good and bad things are (and the fact that the good things seem to be more skewed towards institutional things and the bad towards department things), but as I mentioned in my first post, figuring out the balance of good and bad is tricky. That will be the subject of a future post...probably the one after next, since in the next post I think I'll address the whole role-of-junior-faculty aspect of this thought process.
scientiae-carnival
In other words, what are the good and bad things about my institution and my department?
I'll start with my institution, because this is where I find many things to like. My institution treats its faculty well---there is a lot of support for various forms of development, travel, special projects, etc. It has good resources. Smart people. Some good people in the administration, even. :) The service requirements are there, but not stifling. I've made lots of great friends here, and there's a cohort of strong junior faculty women (which I think scares some of the senior faculty a bit, to be honest). The students are by and large one of the better parts of this job, too---for the most part, smart and engaged and neat people. I've been incredibly lucky to only have a few "problem students" so far (of course, those problem students were *real* problems...but on balance, I think it's been fine).
What I don't especially like about the institution: the pace of change (but I suspect this is true most places); the gender balance, especially in positions of power (see previous note); the "strong department" structure, which can be dangerous; the amount of "homerism"---"this place is so great, why would we ever want to change a thing?". I'm not sure how prevalent that last one is in other places, but I feel like it's especially pronounced here, and in weird ways.
OK, now on to the department side. I'll start with the good stuff. As much as I complain about them, I personally really like my colleagues. We do lunch and chat in the hallways and share resources and some of us are friends outside of work. Again, good resources and pretty decent support if there's something you really want to do or try. The senior faculty do a pretty decent job protecting junior faculty from overcommitment---my chair, for example, really went to bat for me to protect my time during sabbatical. There's a lot of faculty interest and energy put into improving the community among our undergrad majors, and I can see that starting to pay off. On good days, it's a great place to work.
Now for the bad stuff. Well, there's the whole I-don't-trust-the-senior-faculty that's a direct result of my third year review. I still don't trust that they will give me the feedback or support that I will need as I try to earn tenure here. (I still don't trust them, because I still don't see them doing those things, even after lengthy conversations with them and with much prodding on my part.) This is a biggie, unfortunately, especially given the "strong department" structure we have here. I feel like my department prizes getting along over all else, and as a result disagreements are seen as Bad and there's a bit too much "groupthink" that occurs as a result, at the expense of honest discussion. Alternate opinions are viewed as suspect---not always, but often---which is not good, because I'm often the one with the alternate opinion. Conflict is avoided at all costs, even when doing so is detrimental to one of us or the department as a whole. And I often feel like I'm not listened to or supported by my department in general, like my ideas are not taken seriously (unless suggested by someone else) or are immediately discounted. I'd say that about 70% of my bad days are a direct result of an encounter with one or more members of my department.
So that's kind of the landscape in which I'm working right now. I've had a pretty good sense for most of my time here about what the good and bad things are (and the fact that the good things seem to be more skewed towards institutional things and the bad towards department things), but as I mentioned in my first post, figuring out the balance of good and bad is tricky. That will be the subject of a future post...probably the one after next, since in the next post I think I'll address the whole role-of-junior-faculty aspect of this thought process.
scientiae-carnival
Monday, April 30, 2007
To stay or go, Part 1: Framing the issues
One of the things I was hoping for as part of my sabbatical was to gain a clearer perspective on whether I wanted to stay here and try to get tenure, or cut my losses and leave for another academic position. It's hard to think when you're completely frazzled, as I have been pre-sabbatical, so I was hoping that the less-frenzied time of sabbatical would bring some clarity and focus.
Sadly, I find myself more confused than ever, and less sure what to do.
The "problem", if you can call it that, is that I don't overwhelmingly hate my job. If I did, the decision would be easy. There are certainly days that I hate my job and fantasize about resigning, where the despair is so deep that I can't see my way out of it. But there are things that I love about my job, too, and days where I do literally pinch myself and dance around my office (with my door closed, of course) because I love my job so much.
There are a few central questions that I find myself coming back to again and again:
1. Do the bad days outweigh the good days, and by how much?
2. How much of the love/hate has to do with the institution/department, and how much with the general parameters of a job as "assistant professor"?
3. Would things really be better somewhere else, or would I feel this way pretty much anywhere? (In other words, do the majority of the problems come from individual institutions or the culture of the field?)
It turns out that these are hard questions to answer.
When I started this post, I thought that it would be a self-contained post. But as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to see that this is definitely a larger topic than a one-shot post warrants. So over the next several days, I'll be addressing my thought process, framed by the questions above, around this issue (for my personal circumstance). Partly to help put my own thoughts into perspective, and partly because I think this is something that women and underrepresented minorities in STEM fields deal with frequently. You know, the whole "fit" thing. So I do hope that those of you who have thought about this, recently or otherwise, will chime in in the comments with your stories and how you gained clarity or acceptance or whatever---how you made peace with your own choices on whether to stay or go.
One last thought: I keep coming back to the analogy of a bad relationship when thinking about my current circumstance. Sometimes when you find yourself in a bad relationship, you go into denial, thinking that things really aren't that bad and that if you just do X, Y, or Z then things will improve. You focus on the good and gloss over the bad. Part of my struggle to think about my situation clearly is that I really still can't tell if I'm in a bad relationship here or not, or if this is par for the course. (And this is where this whole blogging community really helps: the whole sharing of stories is one way to help us figure out whether our circumstances are normal or outliers.)
scientiae-carnival
Sadly, I find myself more confused than ever, and less sure what to do.
The "problem", if you can call it that, is that I don't overwhelmingly hate my job. If I did, the decision would be easy. There are certainly days that I hate my job and fantasize about resigning, where the despair is so deep that I can't see my way out of it. But there are things that I love about my job, too, and days where I do literally pinch myself and dance around my office (with my door closed, of course) because I love my job so much.
There are a few central questions that I find myself coming back to again and again:
1. Do the bad days outweigh the good days, and by how much?
2. How much of the love/hate has to do with the institution/department, and how much with the general parameters of a job as "assistant professor"?
3. Would things really be better somewhere else, or would I feel this way pretty much anywhere? (In other words, do the majority of the problems come from individual institutions or the culture of the field?)
It turns out that these are hard questions to answer.
When I started this post, I thought that it would be a self-contained post. But as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to see that this is definitely a larger topic than a one-shot post warrants. So over the next several days, I'll be addressing my thought process, framed by the questions above, around this issue (for my personal circumstance). Partly to help put my own thoughts into perspective, and partly because I think this is something that women and underrepresented minorities in STEM fields deal with frequently. You know, the whole "fit" thing. So I do hope that those of you who have thought about this, recently or otherwise, will chime in in the comments with your stories and how you gained clarity or acceptance or whatever---how you made peace with your own choices on whether to stay or go.
One last thought: I keep coming back to the analogy of a bad relationship when thinking about my current circumstance. Sometimes when you find yourself in a bad relationship, you go into denial, thinking that things really aren't that bad and that if you just do X, Y, or Z then things will improve. You focus on the good and gloss over the bad. Part of my struggle to think about my situation clearly is that I really still can't tell if I'm in a bad relationship here or not, or if this is par for the course. (And this is where this whole blogging community really helps: the whole sharing of stories is one way to help us figure out whether our circumstances are normal or outliers.)
scientiae-carnival
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