Stuck

That's the best way to describe how I feel lately. Stuck. Or paralyzed---maybe that's more accurate.

This is actually a tough post for me to write, because I've been struggling with how I'm feeling for a while now. It's even gotten to the point over the past few days where I've wondered if this is what mild depression feels like. Of course it's so hard to tell, and I have a million other excuses for why I'm feeling this way---sleep deprivation, for instance. I guess that's why I feel compelled to blog about it---because I've been turning it over and over in my mind and I haven't come to any good conclusions as to why I feel the way I do.

The best way to describe it is that I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Like there's too much to do and take care of, but I feel like if I try to do any of it I'll just screw it up, so why bother. Now normally when I'm feeling this way, I just do something, anything, on my to-do list. Doing something successfully, no matter how small, is usually enough to get me unstuck and back on track. But this time around, I just can't bring myself to do anything, and so I remain stuck.

This is true of the big things, like research, but even stupid little things, like cleaning the bathroom or sorting the mail. I'm still functioning, but inside I feel panicked almost all of the time.

I think this has been going on for a while, although it took the whole GHC decision to make me realize and acknowledge it. And I wonder if there was a trigger, or if it's just a manifestation of all of those little worries amplified by sleep deprivation (and hormones). There's the journal article that refuses to be finished---I did a read-through a few weeks ago and realized that it was all over the map and would need some major reworking before it could be sent off. There's the feeling of dread, like I'm going back into a snake pit, I have about returning to work. (I know I don't want to stay home full-time, but in my darker moments I have severely mixed feelings about returning to my institution.) There's the boredom I feel about once a day about being home with Baby Jane full time. And a thousand other stupid things. So who knows.

I think my plan right now is to wait this out a bit longer. Try to take better care of myself for a bit. Try to get more sleep (!) if at all possible. See if some self-love gets me out of this funk. I sure hope it does.