While I don't "officially" go back to work until January, I am "unofficially" going back to work full-time next week. I decided on that date months ago. At the time, it seemed like a long, long way away.
I can't believe it's here already.
I have to admit that I've been looking forward to returning to work for a while now. I've loved being home with Baby Jane and feel so fortunate that I was able to stay home with her as long as I did. I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. Even though some days seemed like eternities and sometimes the sheer drudgery of taking care of an infant day in and day out made me contemplate jumping out the nearest window. Recently, I've been increasingly frustrated by only having small chunks of time to get work done---I have so many ideas and things I want to get cracking on, but such limited time in which to do them. Besides, I miss thinking for a living. (Not that taking care of a baby doesn't require thinking, but it's a totally different kind of thinking.) So yeah, in theory I'm so ready to go back.
But the reality of only having one more weekday at home with her is breaking my heart a bit. Ok, a lot. We'll both have to get used to a new routine---her at day care, me at school. No more midday snuggles during feedings. No more afternoon walks or trips to the mall or library. No more sneaking in to her room to watch her as she naps. Sure, we'll still have weekends, but I'll have to share her with Mr. Jane then.
I don't know what Monday will feel like. Unfortunately, I have day care drop-off duty (Mr. Jane gets to pick her up every day), which is probably the worst possible thing for me, emotionally. I thought briefly about working from home that day, but I figured it would be way too hard to get anything done with all the reminders of Baby Jane around. So I will drop her off and head to school and try to get something worthwhile done that day.
Maybe it will be fine. Maybe I won't cry at all. Maybe I'll cry all the way to school, and then be fine. Maybe I'll count the hours until she and I are both home.
God, I can't imagine what I'd be going through right now if I was at all ambivalent about going back to work.