Thursday, May 18, 2006

Two unrelated things in the same post

1. Caffeine. So the wean-myself-off-of-caffeine-completely task has been going rather well. I've taken the "gradual reduction" approach, and I'm happy to report that today is the first day that I'm drinking 100% decaffeinated coffee. I was really worried that the caffeine withdrawal would trigger massive migraines, but so far, so good. We'll see how today goes.

2. Motivation. I have none. Zero. It's mainly because of the review, and all of the demoralizing feelings that go along with that. There is so much that makes me sad about what happened, and angry too. It's paralyzing me, even though I'm trying really hard not to let it. I have so much that I have to think about and decide, plus a to-do list that's a mile long with things that must must must be done, yet all I really want to do is crawl back into bed and never set foot on this campus again. (ok, that last part's not true, but I do have 30-second spurts of feeling that way from time to time). It's taking all my energy just to function on a bare minimum level, but I need to be functioning at a much higher level, and I just can't. I clearly need a full weekend off; I hope that will help with some of this.

9 comments:

Lisa, Paper Chaser said...

This is just me, Jane, but the Zero motivation thing for me would be related to the not-having-enough-caffeine-thing. :-).

Anne Zelenka said...

I second what Lisa said. When I've quit caffeine even when the headaches are gone, I'm left with no motivation. At the beginning of 2005, I quit caffeine for more than a month. It was terrible, awful. I couldn't get anything done. I'm back on it and feeling fine, although a little jittery!

FemaleCSGradStudent said...

Having been both on and off the legal stimulant, I must report that being off was much better. While I agree that the motivation is more reliable with the stimulant, I can't help but feel like a zombie when I'm on it. My thinking off the stimulant seemed more fluid and more natural. It just didn't come right when I wanted it.

As for wanting to walk off campus and never return, I really understand. What happened to you in terms of your review was really shitty and unfair.

As for me, the wanting to walk off campus and never return feelings happen in spurts of hours, not minutes. I wonder what that means.

Jane said...

Duh, I never even thought to attribute the zero motivation to the lack of caffeine, but it makes perfect sense. This would also explain why lately, when working out, I have a lot less stamina than I used to.

FCSGS, thanks for the kind words! I'm not sure which is worse: having hours of despair, or having many smaller minutes of despair. (I'm sorry to hear your situation's not getting any better! that really sucks!)

Scooter said...

I doubt the caffeine is alone in the motivation area, though it may be a factor. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get there.

Laura said...

I know how you feel about the lack of motivation thing. I'm feeling the same way myself because of a similar situation. Rethinking career paths and situations is tough.

I don't know enough about your particular situation to offer good advice, but if you decide to depart, my husband might be of some assistance.

Addy N. said...

Hi Jane:
I can totally relate to the lack of motivation. I am making the rounds to let everyone know that I changed my blog address to: http://untenured-no-no.blogspot.com/

Good luck with the motivation and no caffeine!

Adenostoma (Addy N.)

Astroprof said...

Lack of caffeine could well be making low motivation lower. With a rough review process, I can understand low motivation. It is supposed to be encouraging and supportive. Your review didn't sound that way. What you need is something to fire you up.

Jane said...

thanks, everyone!! :)

Laura, I'll probably be sending you an email later this summer, once I figure out if and/or how I'll be going on the market next year. Thanks for the offer!