Yesterday was a baaaad day. I may have reached my last straw. It's over 24 hours later, and I'm still thinking about it, obsessing over it, and judging by the amount of time and energy I've thrown into around-the-house projects rather than actual real work, still very upset over it.
The actual incident is not worth describing. Really, it's one of those small-stakes things that, taken out of context, doesn't seem like a big deal at all. The point is not the action itself, but the spirit in which the action was carried out. Because it is abundantly clear that the action was not only done deliberately and with forethought, but was done deliberately to hurt me.
Hostile work environment, anyone?
I'm trying not to do anything rash right now, like contact all of my outside mentors and say "help me get the hell out of here", or place something rotten and stinky in the perpetrator's mailbox, or throw things. Although all of those sound like great ideas right now. I'm trying to put the incident out of my mind as much as possible. (I had almost succeeded, until the perpetrator send me an email this morning with an "apology" that was more insult than apology.) I'm really trying to fight the despair that I've felt in varying degrees for most of the past year and that is at an all-time high right now.
I'm really hoping it all subsides soon. In the meantime, maybe I'll just add a quick synopsis of this little incident to that super-secret tenure folder I've been keeping.....
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The adventures of a woman in computing.
About Me
- Jane
- I'm an assistant professor in a computing field, and a new mother. Join me as I navigate the tenure track, deal with gender issues, figure out how to be a parent, and try to have some semblance of a life.
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11 comments:
Sounds awful. I hate apologies that aren't.
I hope the situation gets resolved.
I'm really sorry, Jane. I try to remind myself (because I have someone in my department who laughs at me sometimes and is quite hostile other times) that mean people must be quite unhappy to inflict irritation on others.
It rarely helps. :)
I hope something improves soon.
In case you change your mind...
You can always break into the offender's office late at night, take apart his computer chair, place cheap fish in the center pole's plastic enclosure, and wait for the rotting to begin.
I'm sorry about your crappy day. Really sorry. I understand how these little things can add up.
OMG, I love FemaleCSGradStudent's idea!
Seriously, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Definitely do document the incident - you never know what will be useful in the future. In the meantime, do something good for yourself that has nothing to do with your job!
I'm sorry you're on the receiving end of deliberate hurtful actions. I've been there recently and it took me several days to calm down and find out that fortunately it wasn't the last straw (penultimate straw, maybe).
Anyway I have a positive suggestion for you. If you haven't already, go and read Absinthe's blog. Absinthe knows a thing or two about hostile work environments and there may be something in the archives that you find useful. I find the blog very inspiring.
Thanks, everyone, for the kind words! I'm feeling a bit better today. Avoiding campus is helping. :)Thinking of more constructive things I can do about this incident (how I react towards this person, for instance) is also helping, as is (per New Kid's suggestion) just being extra-nice to myself.
Sharon, I have been reading Absinthe's blog (and have been meaning to add her to my blogroll). It is both inspiring and heartbreaking to read. Thanks for including the link so that others can check out her blog. (And I'm sorry to hear about your rough time, and glad that it's better now.)
FCSGS, what a fabulous idea! If nothing else, imagining it is very therapeutic.
Katie, I do try to remind myself of that too, especially with this person. It usually helps a bit, but this incident was just too big and too deliberate. But it is helping today, when I'm feeling a bit calmer about the situation anyway.
I'm sorry to hear about it. It doesn't seem like you have a sympathetic ear there, or I'd recommend sharing the facts of what happened. Keep documenting, vent here whenever you need to, and be good to yourself. You deserve the good, you don't deserve the bad.
Why do we have to know people like that? What a really rotten, immature (I can just tell) thing for that person to do. And the non-apology apology? Gag me. I'm sure it could be hilarious if it didn't suck so much. Damn. It's amazing to me that we have a whole blogosphere full of these accounts of gender in whatever field and we still have people questioning whether it goes on, or whether any particular incident is part of it. It's just part of the refusal to deal with what's really going on. Power on. You *are* bigger than this and you shall overcome.
Crud. I heartily endorse the campus avoidance suggestion, and i hope things get better for you soon.
Hi Jane, Sorry to hear this. Really, think about floating your CV around some other places. At least it can make you feel better about having options.
Cluelessness comes as no surprise to me, actually, no matter what you do or how highly intellectual your job is, you'll still be in the company of someone who is an idiot. The most frustrating thing is usually the offense done that wasn't meant in such a bad way---because the offender was a moron and probably didn't think through the consequences of his actions ahead of time. In my opinion, he deserves something equally unfortunate to happen to him that "wasn't meant that way..."
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